


Moments

by DalishEssence



Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: F/M, POV Kaidan Alenko
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-10
Updated: 2018-09-08
Packaged: 2019-06-08 04:01:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 22,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15234870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DalishEssence/pseuds/DalishEssence
Summary: “You know, my life flashed before my eyes on Mars – and there weren’t enough moments like these, with people I care about.”I held my breath as I waited anxiously for her response. My heart quickened as I saw a small smile slowly make its way onto her face, her dimples fluttering to life. After all these years, her eyes were still as expressive as ever – completely unable to hide anything she was feeling – and the soft look she was giving me made me think that maybe, just maybe, I still had a chance to make things right. Maybe I still had a chance to make more moments like these happen. With her.A collection of small moments from Kaidan’s time in the Normandy and with the famous Commander Shepard, from his POV. Covers ME 1 through 3. Chapters vary in length





	1. First Impressions

**Author's Note:**

> My Shepard, Camilla, is a Soldier, Colonist and War Hero. Paragon all through ME1, but kind of a Paragade in ME2 - ME3.

“Isn’t she gorgeous? I mean, can you look at her and not stare?”

  
“No, I guess I can’t.”

  
“And she’s fast, too! And incredibly quiet. It’s the Tantalus Drive Core! It powers the stealth system, making her the quietest and smoothest ship ever. It so big, though – twice the size of a regular core – that it throws off her balance just a bit, but it’s nothing I can’t handle.”

  
“Uh huh.” I smiled at the pilot’s enthusiasm, before turning back to stare at the ship. The Normandy certainly was a beauty, I’d give him that.

  
Joker sighed. “I’m in love.”

  
“Guys! They’re coming!”

  
I turned to see the rest of the crew lining up, so I grabbed my duffel bag and Joker’s, and we made our way to our places. As soon as I arrived at my spot on the line up, I saw three figures make their way towards the dock. I immediately stood straight and saluted, standing at attention as Captain David Anderson walked to the front of the line, flanked by who I guessed was the famous Commander Shepard at his 4 and the turian Spectre at his 8.

  
“Good morning. I am Captain David Anderson, and I will be presiding over his mission. This is Commander Camilla Shepard, our executive officer, and Council Spectre Nihlus Kryik. All of you are here today because you are the best of the best the Alliance has to offer. Each and everyone of you have been hand picked to serve on the Normandy. I assume you have all read the briefing, and know that this will be the Normandy’s first official flight. We will be going to the human colony of Eden Prime in the Exodus Cluster...” He kept on speaking, giving us more details about the Normandy and her first shakedown run, about how she was a product of interspecies cooperation about what we could accomplish if we worked together.

  
All the while I found my eyes straying toward the Commander. The first thing that came to mind was that she was… _short_. I mean, the woman was tiny! This was the Hero of the Blitz? This tiny woman was able to single handedly fend off an entire army of pirates and slavers in Elysium? In the Alliance promotional posters, she looked to be larger than life, with her long brown hair loose, her sniper rifle in one hand and her brown eyes boring straight into the camera, with the words: “I want you!” underneath her feet. Well, that was the idea, I guess. Looking at her now… she seemed like any other soldier, in standard N7 armor, her hair tied into a neat regulation bun.

  
As if to sense my eyes on her, she looked at me fleetingly before doing a double take when she realized I’d been staring. Crap. Her eyes narrowed a tiny bit, and I looked away, completely embarrassed. We weren’t even on board and I’d already made an ass out of myself in front of the commander. When I looked back up, she had already looked away, but the corners of her lips were raised in the tiniest of smiles.

  
“Smooth.” I heard Joker whisper, and had to stifle a groan.

* * *

“Thrusters, check. Navigation, check. Internal emissions sink engaged. All systems online. Drift – just under 1500K.”

  
I sat in the copilot’s seat, with the Commander and Nihlus watching us closely from behind.

  
“1500 is good. Your captain will be pleased.” Said the Spectre, turning to the Comander, his mandibles flaring in what I guessed was the turian equivalent of a smirk. Her lips quirked in a crooked grin and the turian turned on his heel and left the cockpit.

  
“I hate that guy.”

  
I saw the Commander raise an eyebrow in surprise, but she remained silent.

  
“Nihlus gave you compliment, so… you hate him.”

  
“You remember to zip up your jumpsuit on the way out of the bathroom, that’s good! I just jumped us halfway across the galaxy and hit a target the size of a pinhead, so that’s incredible! Besides, Spectres are trouble. I don’t like having him on board. Call me paranoid.”

  
“You’re paranoid. The Council helped fund this project. They have a right to send someone to keep an eye on their investment.”

  
“That is the official story, and only an idiot believes the official story.”

  
“I agree.” The Commander’s voice broke into our conversation. She’d been so quiet this whole time, I almost forgot she was here. “They don’t send Spectres on shakedown runs.”

  
Wait, did she just call me an idiot?

  
“So there’s more going on here than the Captain’s letting on.”

  
“Joker! Status report!” The Captain’s voice boomed through the comm.

  
“Just cleared the Mass Relay, Captain. Stealth systems engaged. Everything looks solid.”

  
“Good. Find a comm buoy and link us into the network. I want mission reports relayed back to Alliance brass before we reach Eden Prime.”

  
“Aye, aye, Captain. Better brace yourself, sir, I think Nihlus is headed your way.”

  
“He’s already here.”

  
I had to hold back a laugh as I shook my head at Joker, and one look at the Commander told me she was doing the exact same thing. She was holding back a smile, her lips were tightly pressed together, but her eyes were twinkling with laughter. She had very expressive eyes.

  
“Tell Commander Shepard to meet me in the comm room for a debriefing.”

  
“You get that, Commander?”

  
“He sounds angry.” She said, mostly to herself, as her brows drew into a frown and she narrowed her eyes thoughtfully. “Something must have gone wrong with the mission.”

  
Joker scoffed. “The Captain always sounds like that when he’s talking to me.”

  
“I can’t possibly imagine why.”

  
“Maybe it’s because of that little stunt you pulled during the Normandy’s trial run.” The Commander smiled mischievously.

  
“What?! You know about that?”

  
“Of course I do.”

  
“Ok, listen, I only did that because –“

  
I was sure Joker was going to go into his whole tirade of how he’s the best pilot in the Alliance, but everybody looks down on him because of his disease, when the Commander interrupted him smoothly.  
“Because you felt it was the only way to prove your worth, the only way to make them look past your illness – your limping and crutches – in order to see your skills and your talent.”

  
“I – uh… Yeah.”

  
“Well… I thought it was great. Very brave.”

  
“Wait, seriously?”

  
“Yes. It shows that, despite your condition, you’re a man who goes after what he wants and knows his self worth. You did a good job, Flight Lieutenant. Just… don’t pull anything like that again.”

  
“Yes, ma’am.”

  
She nodded and left.

  
“Wow… That did not go at all like I expected.”

  
“Yeah… the Commander’s really something, huh?” I replied, as I watched the woman walk away.

  
Joker snorted. “Yeah, well, you would think so.”

  
“What?”

  
“Oh come on! Like you weren’t staring at her back at the docks!”

  
“I – I… No I wasn’t!”

  
“I saw you with my own two eyes! I’m crippled, not blind.”

  
“I wasn’t staring!”

  
“Right...” he drawled, “you were just observing her very intently, then.”

  
“Oh, just… shut up!” I said, turning back to see if anyone was coming.

  
“Very eloquent. Come on, admit it. You think she’s cute.”

  
I laughed. “Cute? She could probably kill you with one punch, but you think she’s cute?”

  
“Yeah, and you do too!”

  
“No, I – That’s our CO you’re talking about!”

  
“So? That doesn’t mean she can’t be hot.”

  
I was about to answer when the comm picked something up. It was marked as urgent from Eden Prime. I opened it up and images of shooting and fighting came through, a marine screaming that “they” came out of nowhere and they were in need of an emergency evac.

  
“Shit. I'll patch it through to the Captain. Captain, we’ve got a problem!”

  
“What’s wrong, Joker?”

  
“A transmission from Eden Prime, sir. You better see this.”

  
He played the vid in the comm room, and then proceeded to inform the Captain that the connection was dead. A few moments passed in silence before the Commander came in.

  
“Alenko, get Jenkins and suit up. We’re going in.”

 


	2. Waking Up

“Come on!” I yelled to Williams, as the Normandy landed.

  
As far as missions go, this was pretty much as bad as it gets. We lost Jenkins, Williams’ whole platoon was wiped out, Nihlus was dead and now – because of me – the beacon was destroyed and the Commander was unconscious as I carried her back to the ship.

  
Her breathing was shallow as I cradled her in my arms, and I rushed to the med bay, slamming my elbow on the elevator button as it slowly made its way up. I walked quickly past the mess, but I could see a couple heads rise, and whispering and murmurs quickly filled the room.

  
“Dr. Chakwas!”

  
She was at her desk and stood immediately. “Lieutenant! What happened?”

  
I laid the Commander down on the gurney and helped the doctor remove her armor.

  
“I don’t know, honestly. She was pulled in by some kind of force field by the beacon and it was… it was like something out of the old vids! She was lifted up in the air for a couple secs, before the beacon exploded. The blast threw her back and she hasn’t regained consciousness since.”

  
“Well, don’t worry, Lieutenant. Nothing’s broken and her vitals look good.” She said as she scanned the Commander with her omnitool. “I’ll run some tests, but we’ll have to wait until she wakes up on her own.” She turned to look at me and smiled softly. It reminded me of my mother. “Are you okay, Lieutenant?”

  
“I’m fine, ma’am.”

  
“Good. You should get some rest.”

  
“I…” I knew I was being dismissed, but I didn’t want to leave. It was my fault that the Commander was here, and it didn’t feel right to leave her.

  
“Lieutenant.” I heard the Captain’s voice behind me and stood at attention, while suppressing a sigh. It seemed I didn’t have a choice. “At ease. How is she, doc?”

  
“Don’t worry, Captain. She’ll be fine. Now, I need you both to go, while I run some tests. I’ll let you know if anything changes.”

  
“Good. Lieutenant, I need you in the comm room for a debriefing.”

  
“Yes, sir.”

  
We walked to the comm room in silence, Williams already there when we went in. The Captain rubbed his forehead and sighed before turning.

  
“Alenko, what the hell happened down there?”

  
I explained everything, from Jenkins to the beacon and soon he turned his attention to Williams, and she explained everything that had happened before we landed; how the geth had swarmed the colony, how her platoon had been wiped out and she was the only one left until she met up with me and Shepard.

  
“This is bad… Not only did we fail to get the beacon, but a Spectre is dead, and we have no proof we weren’t behind it..” He sighed. “All right, well, first things first, we have to wait for the Commander to wake up and then we’ll set course for the Citadel. I imagine you’re both tired, go clean yourselves up and get something to eat. Dismissed.”

  
“Yes, sir.” We both saluted and I turned to leave, but I noticed Williams stayed behind. Probably just waiting for orders.

  
I made my way to my locker, grabbing a towel before making my way to the showers. As the water ran warm, I allowed myself to rest my head against the wall, fatigue finally hitting me. I closed my eyes, trying to will the coming migraine away and relax my muscles, before grabbing some soap and shampoo. I was in and out in less than five minutes, and as soon as I shut the water off, my stomach growled.

  
I dressed quickly and walked to the mess. I grabbed a random tray, not even caring what was on it. As I gulfed down the chicken curry and yellow rice, a voice made me jump.

  
“Whoa, slow down there, LT! I know that thing doesn’t taste nearly as good as you’re making it seem.” Ashley sat down across from me.

  
I laughed and reached for a napkin. “I was hungry.”

  
“Yeah, I can tell.”

  
We ate in companionable silence before she asked, “So, how’s the Commander?”

  
“Doc say she’s going to be fine… Running tests, just waiting for her to wake up.”

  
She looked at me with sympathetic eyes. “It wasn’t your fault, you know.”

  
“What?”

  
“What happened to her – it wasn’t your fault.” I stared at her, trying to come up with something to say, when she spoke up again. “It could’ve happened to anyone. Hell, it would’ve happened regardless, to whoever was tasked with bringing that thing on board. It was just… bad timing.”

  
I gave her a weak smile. “Yeah, thanks.”

  
“No problem. Have you served under her long?”

  
“No, this was our first mission working together.”

  
She laughed. “The woman comes barging in, shooting everything in her way while switching between five different weapons, and when she sees me in the middle of a hot zone, the first thing she asks is if I’m okay. She’s definitely something.”

  
“Yeah, and before that she had just congratulated our pilot for stealing this ship on its first test run.”

  
“Uh… what?”

  
“Long story. Ask Joker.”

  
“I will. I’m being reassigned here. Just finished speaking with the Captain.”

  
“Nice to have you on board, Chief.”

  
“Nice to be on board, LT.”

  
I finished eating and stood up. “Well, I’m going to try and get some sleep. Good night, chief.”

  
“Night, LT.”

  
I walked to my pod and was asleep before my head hit the pillow.

* * *

I woke up the next morning at 0700 hours. I went to the bathroom for a quick shower, stuffed my things in my locker, grabbed an energy bar and went to the medbay, all in less than 30 minutes. I was eager to get to the medbay to check on the Commander. I still felt guilty she was in there because of me, because of my curiosity.

  
The fact that she jumped in front of it to save my ass didn’t exactly make me feel better. I mean, what kind of woman jumps in front of a force field to protect a subordinate she barely knows? It should’ve been me…   
I walked into the medbay to find Doc already awake. “Hey, Doc.”

“Good morning, Kaidan.”

  
“Any news?”

  
She shook her head. “No changes yet. Her vitals look good, but –“

  
She was interrupted by a small groan. I ran to the Commander’s bed, almost sighing in relief. She was alive, awake.

  
“Doctor!” I called, and she immediately stood. “Dr. Chakwas! I think she’s waking up.” I turned back to Shepard, who was covering her eyes with her forearms, shielding them from the light. She tried to sit up and groaned before laying back down. “No, don’t get up.”

  
“You had us worried there, Shepard. How are you feeling?”

  
“Minor throbbing. Nothing serious.” She rubbed her eyes once more before looking at the Doc. “How long was I out?”

  
“About 15 hours. Something happened down there with the beacon, I think.”

  
“It was my fault.” I jumped up and she turned to look at me. “I must have triggered some kind of security field when I approached it. You… uh, had to push me out of the way.”

  
She gave me a small, reassuring smile which brought out dimples on her cheeks. “Don’t blame yourself, Kaidan. You had no way of knowing what would happen.”

  
I felt the blush on my cheeks and was thankful when Doc spoke up and she looked away.

  
“Actually, we don’t even know what set it off. Unfortunately, we'll never get a chance to find out.”  
“What do you mean?”

  
“The beacon exploded. A system overload, maybe. The blast knocked you cold. I had to carry you back here to the ship.”

  
“Well, shit.” She rubbed her forehead. She suddenly lifted her head, embarrassed. “Sorry. I meant, um, thanks. I appreciate it.”

  
I couldn’t help my snort of a laugh, which I tried to cover with a cough.

  
“Physically, you’re fine. But I detected some unusual brain activity, abnormal beta waves. I also noticed an increase in your rapid eye movement, signs typically associated with intense dreaming.”

  
“I… I don’t think I was dreaming. It was a vision of some kind. I saw – I’m not sure what I saw. Death. Destruction. Nothing’s really clear.”

  
She looked troubled, almost frustrated, as if it was her own fault for not being able to figure it out.

  
“Hmm… I better add this to my report. It may – Oh, Captain Anderson!”

  
The Captain came in, clearly relieved the Commander had woken up. He immediately dismissed me, asking to speak to her alone.

  
“I’ll be in the mess if you need me.” I saluted and the Captain nodded.

  
“Lieutenant!”

  
I turned.

  
“Thanks for everything.” Shepard was blushing, I realized. I flashed her a smile and she smiled back. Damn, those dimples were cute.

  
“Yeah, don’t mention it Commander.”

 


	3. Chamomile Tea

To say that Commander Shepard was an amazing woman was an understatement.  _A major understatement_.

  
We'd been docked on the Citadel for less than 48 hours and she somehow managed to recruit a krogan mercenary, a turian C – Sec officer, and a quarian on her pilgrimage – and if that wasn’t an incredible feat in and of itself, she found proof that Saren had gone rogue and was named the first human Spectre.

  
The First Human Spectre!

  
As a reward, Anderson stepped down and gave her his ship. Shepard wasn’t too happy about that though. Now we were on our way to Therum to recruit an asari archeologist, and I was sitting in the mess, nursing the beginnings of a migraine with a cup of herbal tea, when I heard some shuffling.

  
I looked at the clock on the wall – 1 a.m. into the night cycle – so there shouldn’t be anybody still up. I perked my head and saw the Commander stumbling into the mess, wearing only an oversized N7 T-shirt that came down to brush her thighs. I gulped at the sight of her bare, toned legs and could feel the blush spread over my cheeks and down to my neck. This wasn’t right, I shouldn’t be looking at her this way.

  
She hadn’t seen me yet, walking to the counter and turning on the water heater while humming softly to herself. This was my chance to slip away. I stood up slowly – careful to avoid scraping the chair on the floor – when I tripped and came down with the chair, the crash not at all helping my migraine.

  
“Who’s there?”

  
I groaned. “Me, Commander.”

  
“Alenko?”

  
“Yeah.”

  
She came over and offered her hand. “You scared the crap out of me.”

  
“So much for stealth.”

  
I laughed, taking her hand, and she pulled me up as if I weighed nothing more that a feather. We stared at each other for a moment, both unsure what so say. Things had been a little awkward between us since my slip up at the Citadel. Ashley had teased me mercilessly since, while the Commander had simply brushed it off, reminding me we were on duty. She hadn’t been able to hide her blush, though.

  
“I should –“

  
“What were –“

  
I snapped my mouth shut, and winced as the sudden movement sent a fresh wave of pain to my head.

  
“Migraine?”

  
“Uh, yeah. Well, no, not really. Just a headache. How’d you know, though?”

  
“Dr. Chakwas mentioned you get them from time to time, because of your implant.”

  
“Dr. Chakwas?”

  
“Yeah.” She apparently didn’t feel the need to elaborate and changed the subject. “Is that what you were doing up?”

  
“Yeah. And yourself?”

  
She smiled sadly. “Couldn’t sleep.” _Nightmares_ was the word that hung on the air. She looked down to the cup still on the table. “What are you drinking?”

  
“Oh, um…”

  
She took the cup and sniffed it. “Chamomile?” she smirked. “No, that’s not going to do anything for you. Actually, I’ll take that.”

  
“Commander?”

  
“Sit down, Alenko. I’ll make you some tea.” She walked to the counter and brought out another cup. “See, chamomile is good for insomnia and stomach aches. What you need is caffeine.” She came back with a steaming mug of black tea. “Caffeine contains vasoconstrictive properties that cause the blood vessels to narrow and restrict blood flow, therefore easing the headache. Now, since it’s late and you still need to get a good night’s rest, you obviously can’t drink coffee, but tea… It has enough caffeine to ease your headache, but not enough to keep you up.”

  
I took a sip. “It’s good. Thank you.”

  
She smiled at me and drank my former chamomile tea.

  
“So, where’d you learn all this stuff?”

  
“We were farmers.” She smiled wistfully. “My family, I mean. We were homesteaders on Mindoir. But…” her smile faded. “I’m the only one left now.”

  
I didn’t ask what happened. I already knew. Everyone knew; it was part of the legend of Commander Shepard. The small colony kid who'd survived a raid, only to become the Hero of the Blitz. Poetic, wasn’t it? In reality, her whole family had died when batarian slavers attacked Mindoir. She had been 16 at the time, and if it wasn’t for Captain Anderson… she probably wouldn’t be here right now.

  
“So yeah, I grew up learning about this stuff. Botany and medicinal herbs. It was kind of a hobby. I used to have books and a greenhouse! For example,” she gestured to her cup, “chamomile is excellent for insomnia, but if you really want something that’ll put you to sleep, there’s nothing better than lemon balm. One cup and you’ll have the best nights sleep of your life.”

  
“I’ll have to take your word for it.”

  
“And the smell! Oh, the smell is simply amazing! And if you add a bit of lavender… I can’t even describe it. It’s almost a religious experience.”

  
I couldn’t help my smile. “Sounds good.”

  
“Yeah...” She sighed wistfully. “But I won’t bore you with my almost incontrollable addiction to tea.”

  
“No, really, it’s fine. This is very interesting.”

  
“Yeah, I’m sure." She rolled her eyes. "Subject change. Where are you from?”

  
“Earth, ma'am. Canada, to be exact.”

  
“Wow, an Earthborn man! What was it like?”

  
I told her about growing up in Vancouver with my parents. She listened attentively, occasionally asking a question. The conversation flowed easily, and we went from my childhood to our training in the academy and finally to our latest mission.

  
I blushed when, after ranting about the “final frontier”, she grinned and called me a romantic.

  
“Is that why you signed up? For the dream? Secure a man’s future in space?”

  
I laughed. “Yeah, I read a lot of those books when I was a kid, where the hero goes to space to prove himself worthy of a woman he loves.” She raised an eyebrow. “Or, you know. For justice.” I finished lamely.

  
“Right.” She drawled. “For justice, of course.” She brought her mug to her lips, in a lame attempt to hide her smile.

  
“Yeah.” I grinned sheepishly. “Anyway, I don’t know… Maybe I was a romantic in the beginning. But I thought about it after Brain Camp – ah, sorry, ‘Biotic Acclimation and Temperance training.’ I’m not looking for the dream. I just want to do some good. See what’s out here. Sorry if I get too informal. Protocol wasn’t a big focus in BAaT.”

  
She snorted. “Informal? Alenko, we’re sitting around drinking tea in our pajamas in the middle of the night cycle!”

  
“Yeah, you’re right. But you’re still my CO, pajamas and all.”

  
“Well, when you put it like that… Permission to speak freely granted, Lieutenant.” She teased. “Feel more comfortable now?”

  
I laughed. “Yeah.”

  
“So… BAaT?” She prompted.

  
I sighed. “Biotic Acclimation and Temperance didn’t last past the airlock. To the kids they hauled in, it was Brain Camp.”

  
“Hauled in?”

  
“Sorry, ‘hauled in’ is unkind. We were ‘encouraged to commit to an evaluation of our abilities, so an understanding of biotics could be compiled.’” I recited from memory. “There are worse results of ‘accidental’ exposure to element zero in the womb. Beats the brain tumors some kids grew up with.”

  
“Accidental? Is there some questions as to how to you were exposed?”

  
“My mother was downwind of a transport crash. It was before there were human biotics. A little after the discovery of the Martian ruins. It only gets iffy around ’63 when Conatix was running out of first-gen subjects. Until then, they’d relied on accidentals. Bunch of guys in suits show up at your door after school. Next thing you know, you’re out on Jump Zero.”

  
“Sounds rough. How old were you?”

  
“Seventeen.”

  
“But there were other kids with you right? At least you weren’t alone.”

  
“Yeah, but we didn’t have much to do, though. It was a research platform then, and Conatix kept Jump Zero off the extranet. To prevent leaks.”

  
She raised an eyebrow, giving me an incredulous look. “Come on, you were teenagers. I’m sure you found some other ways to pass the time.”

  
“I’m not the sort who does that kind of thing, Commander. Not lightly, anyway.”

  
“Ah.” She said simply, as she narrowed her eyes just a bit. I had to fight the urge to squirm under her intent gaze. It was as if she was trying to study me, as if she was trying to figure me out. Her prolonged silence prompted me to keep talking.

  
“There was a girl I spent a lot of time with, but we kept our clothes on. Rahna…”

  
I smiled as I remembered her, with her tan skin and long brown hair. I remembered how she laughed when we talked or the way she would play with her hair when she was nervous. I turned my eyes back to the Commander and saw she was staring at me with a knowing look on her face.

  
“Rahna… First love?”

  
“I, uh… I guess. Maybe she even felt the same, but things never fell together. Training. You know.” I cleared my throat. “She was from Turkey. Her family was very rich. But she was smart, and charming as hell. Beautiful, but not stuck up about it. Like you, I guess. Ma’am.”

  
Now it was her turn to blush.

  
“Oh.” She smiled. “Well, thanks.”

  
“You’re welcome.”

  
“So, what happened to Rahna?”

  
“We, uh… we didn’t keep in touch after BAaT ended.”

  
“Oh. That’s too bad.”

  
“Yeah, well. It happens.”

  
“Yeah… first loves have a tendency not to last.”

  
“Speaking from experience, Commander?”

  
She responded with a very unlady like snort. “I think at this age we’ve all lived through that particular experience.” She tried to cover a yawn with her hand. “But that’s a story for another day.”

  
She stood and took our empty mugs, carried them to the sink and began to wash them. I watched her as she set the mugs on a tray for them to dry, wondering if she did this with everyone or… if maybe it was just me. I had to know.

  
“Shepard?” I tried her name.

  
“Yeah?” She didn’t correct me, didn’t reprimand me for the insubordination.

  
“Do you, uh… You make it a habit of getting this personal with everyone?”

  
She turned and looked me straight in the eye. “No. No, I don’t.” She smirked, probably knowing how much her answer unhinged me. “Good night, Kaidan.”

  
She turned and walked towards her cabin, leaving me still sitting on the table staring after her with my mouth slightly open.

  
I’ll need some time to process that.

 


	4. Never Have I Ever

As the days passed aboard the Normandy, those late night talks with Shepard became something of a habit. I mean, it’s not like we agreed to meet and have tea in the middle of the night, it sort of just happened. Shepard suffers from insomnia, and after all she’s been through – on Mindoir, on Elysium – it wasn’t surprising. And me, with my migraines… although if I was really honest, I just liked her company. She is an extremely interesting woman, smart and funny.

We talked about nothing special, really – sometimes about the mission, about Saren, the council – but other times we talked of our childhoods, our parents, our time at boot camp. She was three years younger than me, so by the time she enlisted, I was already on active duty.

Shepard loved to run; she ran laps around the Normandy's cargo bay whenever she had extra time. Stress relief, she’d said. _“It helps me clear my head. Just me and some music. As soon as I have some extra credits, I’m putting in a requisition for a treadmill.”_ When she was really feeling upset though, she’d go a few rounds with the punching bag she’d set up in the cargo bay. The only time I’d seen her do so was after C – Sec asked her to help them with a slave girl from Mindoir. Shepard successfully talked her down and sedated her before she could hurt herself – or anyone else – and then had gone straight to the cargo bay. _“Sometimes, running's not enough.”_

I told her more about BAaT, about my parents, about drinking my first beer with my father out on the balcony overlooking the bay. I told her more of Rahna. I even told her a little about Vyrnus. I don’t know how we even got there, but at one point we’re talking about cutting corners, and the next we’re talking about him and I’m telling her about what an ass he was to me.

_“Talk to me Kaidan, you’ve got a little black rain cloud sitting over your head.”_

It was amazing how perceptive she was. And she had this way of simply making me keep talking, without even pushing. I’d stop talking and she'd just stare at me, her piercing brown eyes locked on mine – not saying a word – until I kept talking.

After the mission in Therum, Shepard decided to report back to the Citadel personally. While Dr. T’Soni didn’t have the slightest clue of what her mother was up to, she had decided to stay and help in anyway she could. Shepard welcomed her aboard immediately and let her set up in the little lab behind the medbay.

We would be docked at the Citadel for 48 hours, Shepard said, to resupply before heading to Noveria, and to give the crew some shore leave. Ash jumped at the prospect of shore leave, immediately inviting the Commander to have a couple drinks.

“Actually, I wanted to invite you all out, so we could all get to know each other. What do you say? Purgatory, 10 o’clock?”

They all agreed, even Wrex, but only after Shepard said she was buying.

“Alenko? What do you say?”

“Uh… Yeah, sure, Commander.”

“Great! So, I’ll see you all tonight! Dismissed.”

* * *

 We’d been waiting for the girls for over an hour, sitting in the mess while they got ready in Shepard’s cabin.

“Shepard!” Wrex’s voice boomed. “Come on!”

“In a minute, Wrex!” Her voice was bright and cheery. “We’re just finishing up!”

Wrex huffed and stalked back to our table, rolling his eyes. “Females.” He muttered. “They’re all the same, no matter what species.”

“Oh, God!” Joker laughed. “That’s like the krogan equivalent of ‘Women, am I right?’”

I laughed, along with Garrus and Joker, when the door suddenly opened and the girls came out.

“Finally! Now, let’s get going!” Wrex stood up.

“Yeah, good thing you didn’t make us hold our breaths.” Garrus added.

“Yeah, yeah. Laugh it up guys! Because you have it so easy. All you have to do is shower and put on a clean shirt, and some of you can’t even be bothered to do that.” Ash retorted. She was wearing a skin tight blue minidress, make up, and heels. It was weird to see her with her hair down, but she looked good.

“Hey, just so you know I did shower today!” Joker laughed.

“All right, come on guys. Let’s get going.” Shepard spoke up, and our eyes met across the room. She looked… beautiful. She was wearing a simple loose white top and jeans that hugged her slim frame in all the right places. Her long hair was out of its usual bun, waving softly down her back. She smiled, before turning to Ash.

“Commander – “

“Just Milla tonight, Ash. Or Shepard, if it makes you more comfortable.”

“Shepard… I like it. Anyway, are you sure you don’t want to borrow a dress?”

“I don’t wear dresses, Ash, and before you ask again – No, I don’t want eyeshadow, lipstick or ridiculously uncomfortable shoes. But thanks.”

“I couldn’t get her to agree to anything!” Ash looked at us, exasperated. “She doesn’t wear dresses – “

“They’re uncomfortable!”

“Or heels – “

“Also uncomfortable! Sometimes even painful.”

“Or makeup!”

“Hey! I put on eyeliner and a little mascara!”

“That’s next to nothing, Shepard.”

“I don’t like the feeling of all that junk on my face! Primer and foundation and concealer and blush and whatever else! I can’t stand it!”

“I think you look great, Shepard.” I said without thinking, and both Joker and Ash turned to stare at me.

“See?” Shepard turned to Ash and stuck her tongue out. “Thanks, Kaidan. Now let’s go! Wrex needs his ryncol.”

“Shepard.” Garrus was looking at the girls with a puzzled look on his face. “If you don’t wear any of the things she just said, Tali's still in her suit and Liara looks like she only changed her clothes, then what took you so long?”

She grinned impishly. “Girl talk, Garrus.”

Wrex huffed. “Females.”

We left the Normandy and took the elevator to Purgatory. There was a long line of patrons waiting to get in, but Shepard simply walked to the guard and flashed a smile and her Spectre status. He let us in right away, the people in line groaning and complaining behind us.

The bass thumping from the speakers hit us as soon as we went in, the floor vibrating in time with the beat of the music. The lights flickered and flashed, the club packed with people dancing and drinking. I could almost feel a migraine coming.

“We’re going for drinks!” Shepard yelled, pointing towards Ash and herself. “You guys go find us a table!”

And Ash grabbed her hand as they made their way towards the bar. The rest of us found an empty table and soon an asari waitress came to get our order. We all ordered drinks, and I ordered a couple of beers for the girls.

Before the waitress came back, Ash and Shepard came back with a huge tray of shots, all different colors.  
“All right!” Shepard yelled over the music as she basically dumped the tray on the table. “The blue and pink are dextro, for Tali and Garrus. The rest are levo!”

“Let’s get started!” said the Chief as she saw down between me and Garrus, leaving room for Shepard, who sat next to me. She was so close, I could smell her perfume. She reached for a shot, and we all followed suit.

“To the Normandy!” Shepard toasted, and we downed our shots. The liquid burned down my throat, giving way to a warm feeling in my stomach. Whatever this was, I could tell it top shelf. I wondered how much this must’ve cost Shepard, and decided I would at least pay for my own drinks for the rest of the night. I looked at Shepard, whose cheeks were already flushed, and she gave me a dazzling smile, her eyes twinkling with mischief and excitement.

I saw the waitress heading back to our table and turned to Shepard. I leaned in and placed my hand on the small of her back, pleased when she didn’t shy away. “I didn’t know what you wanted, so I ordered a beer for you and Ash.”

“Thanks!”

“So, Shepard… you up for a little dare?”

“Hit me, Wrex!”

He slid his glass to her. She eyed it before raising it up to her nose, sniffing it.

“Oh, you’re on!”

“Come on! One sip!” He laughed.

She brought the glass to her lips and gulped down its contents before setting the glass down with a thump. Her face scrunched up and she shook it, before looking at Wrex, who burst into laughter.

“Did you really think I’d never had ryncol before?”

“Keelah, Shepard!”

“If you were asari, I’d guess a krogan father.” Liara commented, amused while she sipped her drink.

“So who’s up for another round?” Ash began handing out more shots to everyone.

“I have to tell you guys, I’m not much of a drinker.” Tali said, fiddling with her ‘emergency induction port’.

“Don’t worry, Tali. We've got your back. Now drink!”

We all took another shot, before Ash suggested an ice breaker.

“How about we play 'Never Have I Ever'?”

“What is that?” Liara asked.

“It’s a human drinking game, right?” Garrus asked.

“Yeah, you ever played it?”

“Once or twice, when I went out with a couple of guys from C – Sec.”

“I never needed a game to get drunk.” Wrex huffed.

“Well, you’ll like this one, I promise. It’s a good way to get to know each other and get drunk really fast.” Shepard reassured him.

“Ok, let’s do it!” Tali squealed, already starting to droop on the table, leaning heavily on her forearms.

“How do you play?” Liara asked.

“Basically, we go around in a circle, saying 'never have I ever…’ and if you did do whatever the person said, you take a shot.” I explained.

“Ah.”

“Okay, let’s do an easy one. Never have I ever shot a gun.” Shepard started. It took no one by surprise when we all drank.

“Never have I ever been shot at.”

We all drank.

“Never have I ever worn armor.”

“Never have I ever used an omnitool.”

“Never have I ever flown in a shuttle.”

“Never have I ever gotten drunk.”

“Never have I ever gotten in a bar fight.”

The questions got bolder as the night went on, all of us laughing and sharing embarrassing stories, until…  
“Never have I ever had sex.”

We all took shots, and after that question, it became all about sex.

“Never have I ever had sex with someone I didn’t like.”

“Never have I ever said the wrong name during sex.”

“Never have I ever faked an orgasm.”

It made me feel kind of bad that all the women took a shot after that question.

“Never have I ever had sex in public.”

Wrex took a shot. So did Joker. Shepard was also tipping back the tiny glass of liquor.

“Whoa, Commander! All right, spill.” Ashley patted her on the back.

“Oh it was nothing! It was just… with my first boyfriend, back on Mindoir…”

“Where?”

“Everywhere. On his father’s fields, in my father’s shed… Once at school.”

I choked on my beer. “At school?!”

“Once! And it was a long time ago. I was 16! We were at this lame excuse for a dance and decided to sneak off to one of the classrooms!”

I couldn’t help but picture her at 16, in a skin tight dress and a come hither look in her eyes in the middle of a dark room, throwing her on top of a desk… I shook my head. No, I must be drunk, at least a little bit. I turned back to the conversation, shaking my head to clear these thoughts.

“… so she just sits on my lap and locks the doors to the cockpit!” Joker was finishing telling his story.

“Oh my god! And no one walked in on you?” Ash yelled.

“Nope, we were lucky that time.”

“What about the frat regs?” she insisted.

“Oh, screw the regs! Does Alliance brass really expect us to stay celibate when you’re out on a mission and could literally die the next day?”

“I never understood that particular rule of the Alliance.” Garrus broke in.

“We have this saying,” Shepard told him, “don’t shit where you eat.”

“Besides, it could get complicated.” Ash added. “The mission could be jeopardized, the balance of the crew could get disrupted…”

“Not if you’re disciplined enough.” Garrus maintained. “If both parties agree from the beginning that this is just sex, just a way to blow off steam, then there shouldn’t be any problems.”

“It definitely works for the turians.” Joker agreed

“Joker, if you ever do that on my ship, I’ll kill you!” Shepard piped up, her speech a little slurred. I’d say the Commander was happily drunk.

“What? Have sex in the cockpit or break frat regs?”

“I don’t give a shit about the regs.” I couldn’t help but raise my eyebrows at that. “But so help me God, if I ever come back from a mission and catch you having sex in the cockpit, I’ll kill you!”

He raised his hands in a placating gesture. “All right, all right! You’re the boss. Garrus, you’re up.”

The turian hummed. “Never have I ever had a one night stand.”

He took a shot, along with Joker, Ash, and Wrex. Shepard didn’t. Neither did I. I meant it when I said I don’t take those kinds of things lightly.

“Really, Shepard? Kaidan? Never?”

“Nope. Not really a love ‘em and leave ‘em kind of gal.”

“Yeah. Same.”

“Never have I ever had sex in my parents bed.”

Ash was the only one who drunk, looking at all of us with disbelief. “What? How is that possible?”

“I had my room, and could’ve broken a leg trying to get to my parents' room. Unnecessary effort.” Joker said.

“Yeah, me too. I once had sex in her parents' room though…” I said.

“Shepard?”

She laughed. “My parents were… very loving. Suffice it to say, I wouldn’t even go near their bed. Which brings me to… Never have I ever walked in on my parents having sex.”

We all took a shot, except Wrex, Tali and Liara.

“I think we can all agree not to talk about it, though.” Garrus said wryly.

“Okay, my turn. Hehe.” Wrex said. “Never have I ever had sex with someone of a different species.”  
He took a shot. So did Joker… and Shepard.

“Holy shit!” Ash stared at her with her jaw hanging open. “Really?”

“Hey, hey?! Why’s all the attention on me? Wrex, who’d you have sex with?”

“An asari. Aleena. Wicked shot.”

“Joker?”

“Also an asari.”

“Come on, Shepard! Stop deflecting!”

“All right! I've been with an asari and a turian.”

“A turian?” Ash said increduously.

“Yeah.” She was blushing, whether from the alcohol or embarrassment, I did not know.

“Who?”

“A friend.”

A friend… I wondered… During one of our late night talks, we touched on the mission on Eden Prime. Shepard seemed infinitely sad. She had been upset about loosing Jenkins… and Nihlus. Could it be…? I had noticed some of the looks she gave the turian when she thought no one was looking, or how he seemed to shadow her every step as she made her rounds on the Normandy. I remembered how concerned she was, before landing on Eden Prime.

_“Your team’s so the muscle in this operation, Commander. Go in heavy and head straight for the dig site!”_

_“What about survivors, Captain?”_

_“Helping survivors is a secondary objective. The beacon's your top priority!”_

_“I’ll scout ahead.”_

_“Nihlus, don’t.” She said looking at him straight in the eye, before catching herself. “I mean, is that really the wisest course of action? We should stick together. We don’t know what we’ll find down there.”_

_“I appreciate your concern,_ Commander _, but I’ll be fine. I work best on my own.”_

“A friend?” Ash prodded insistently, and her sharp tone brought me out of my reverie.

“Yes. And no, I’m not going to give you more details about this one.”

“But Shep –“

“But nothing! Next question!” she ordered.

Everyone turned to me – the tension in the air palpable – and I realized it was my turn again.

“Uh… ok. Never have I ever… been walked in on while having sex.”

They all laughed, before the ones who had took their shots. With that, everybody relaxed again.

“Ok… I think I’m about done here. Anyone want to dance?” Ash stood up, staring at us expectantly.

“I’ll go!” Tali stood up and nearly keeled over. “I’m fine. I’ll go.”

“I’ll stay. I’m not really one for dancing.” Liara said.

Garrus stood up, looking at a couple turian females at the bar. “I’ll, uh… go get a drink.”

“Uh huh.” Shepard grinned. “Sure. Go get 'em, stud.” She patted him on the back. “Go blow off some steam! You deserve it!”

Garrus rolled his eyes, his mandibles flaring with embarrassment, before walking away. Wrex and Joker profusely refused to dance, so Ash and Tali turned to me and Shepard.

“Come on! Let’s go!”

“I don’t dance!” I yelled, scooching further down the booth.

“Yeah, I don’t –“

“Oh no, you don’t!”

They both grabbed Shepard by her arms and practically pulled her to the dance floor. Joker and Wrex laughed wildly, both pretty drunk, while Liara grinned indulgently. Now that I think about it, I don’t think she’d actually had much to drink.

I sipped my beer and watched them dance. Tali was surprisingly limber, despite her suit, moving graciously in time to the music, while Ash pumped her fists in the air. Shepard waved her arms, her hips swaying sensually, a wicked smile on her face. Her long hair shone in the myriad of flashing lights as she turned and twirled on the floor, completely lost in the moment.

“Dude!” Joker yelled from across the table. “You’ve got it bad!”

“What?”

“Stop staring at her! Just go ask her to dance!”

“Joker!” I gave him a warning look.

“I mean, come on!”

“Joker!”

He turned to Wrex. “Ever since we boarded the Normandy, he’s been staring after her like a little lovesick puppy!”

Wrex laughed. “He he… What’s a puppy?”

“It’s a baby animal from Earth. Imagine a baby varren.”

“Well, Shepard has a… magnetic personality. Any one who meets her immediately feels drawn to her.” Liara spoke up, giving me a sympathetic smile.

“Drawn to her.” Joker repeated with a snort. “Well, he definitely feels drawn to her.”

“What I meant was that his admiration for the Commander isn’t necessarily akin to sexual attraction.”

“Thank you, Liara.” I said, fighting the urge to stick my tongue out at Joker. “Some of us can manage to admire a woman for her strength and skill without… uh, you know… being attracted to her… physically.”

“Yeah, maybe, but you’re not one of them.” Joker rebutted.

It was times like these when I cursed Joker’s quick wit, or my lack of it. The only response I could think of was to tell him to shut up, like a petulant child. I decided to just ignore him, as he and Wrex continued with their teasing. I looked back to the girls and saw they were being approached by a group of humans. Shepard jumped and hugged one of the humans before introducing them to Tali and Ash.

“Uh oh. Looks like you have competition, Alenko.”

I ignored Joker, rolling my eyes as I tried to pretend I wasn’t at all bothered by the fact that Shepard was dancing with some random guy. He kept his distance, though every once in a while he'd lean in and whisper something in her ear, and she'd laugh before answering in the same way.

“Kaidan.” Liara suddenly stood in front of me. “Would you dance with me?”

“I uh…” she extended her hand, her eyes urging me to say yes. “Sure, Liara.”

She took my hand and led me to a spot on the dance floor right next to Shepard and that guy.

“Hey! I thought you didn’t dance!” Shepard yelled, grinning excitedly. I wasn’t sure which one of us she was talking to.

I took a closer look at the guy she was dancing with. He was huge – taller and broader than me – bald and had blue eyes. And he was staring intently at Liara.

“Shep!” I heard him say. “Introduce me?”

“Oh right! Kaidan, Liara, this is my friend John, from N School! John, this is Kaidan and Liara, my crewmates!”

John? As in John Doe, the Butcher of Torfan? Of course! He was an N7, too. How did I not recognize from the vids? He merely nodded at me, and turned to Liara.

“Liara, huh?! That’s a beautiful name!” He tried to yell over the music.

“Oh.” I saw a deep purple blush color Liara’s cheeks. “Thank you.”

“Beautiful!” He repeated.

Shepard rolled her eyes. “Oh god, dude, just ask her to dance!” She winked at Liara.

“Thanks, Shep! Way to kill my game!”

“You don’t have any, Johnny!”

“Would you mind if I…?” he turned to me.

“Not at all.” I grinned, and stepped to the side. He offered his hand and Liara took it hesitantly. I watched as they danced awkwardly around each other, before turning to Shep, finding her with her hands on her hips and an expectant gaze.

“Well? Are you just going to stand there or are you going to ask a me to dance?”

My hand instinctively went to the back of my neck before I realized it and I brought it back to my side. I flashed her an embarrassed grin, before I boldly went to her and placed my hands on her waist. She raised an eyebrow, but didn’t push me away.

We began to move to the beat, each step bringing our bodies closer and closer. She brought her arms to my neck, her touch sending shivers down my back. She was so close now, her body almost pressed to mine, the scent of her perfume intoxicating. I dared to look her in the eyes – those beautiful, expressive brown eyes – and saw how they lingered on my mouth before shying away.

 _You’re drunk! She’s clearly drunk! It doesn’t mean anything, anyway! There’s no way she’d break the regs! She’s your Commander! And she’s drunk! You’re practically taking advantage of her!_ The rational part of my mind yelled. But as she got closer, her body moving with mine, the fruity floral scent drifting off her skin, her lips slightly open in a sexy pout… God, it would be so easy to just lean in and–

“Shepard!” John’s rumbling voice interrupted, and we both jumped away from each other. It was then I realized how truly close we’d actually been. God, if he hadn’t called her, we would’ve… “We’re going to get going!”

“I – uh… What?” she was clearly flustered, and refused to look at me.

“John offered to walk me back to the Normandy!” Liara yelled. “I’m a bit tired. Do you want to come or will you be staying a while longer?!”

Shepard glanced at John – whose face was completely serious, betraying nothing – and flashed him a grin. She recovered so quickly it almost had me thinking our… moment never happened. “No! I think I’ll stay a bit longer. Thanks for coming, Liara!”

“Thank you for inviting me, Shepard. I had… fun.”

“Good to hear it, Liara. I’ll see you back on the Normandy.” She turned to John and went for a hug. “Take care, Johnny. Don’t be a stranger.”

“You know that’s exactly what I am.” He placed a hand on her head and tousled her hair affectionately. “I’ll try to keep in touch, Shep. I promise.”

“Good.” She let go of him almost reluctantly. “Now go!”

“Bye, Shep.” He turned to me and offered his hand. “It was good to meet you, man.”

I shook it. “Yeah, likewise.”

“Ok, see you guys.” He eyed Shepard with just a hint of mischief in his eyes. “Be good, Shep.”

“Always am, Doe!”

“Goodbye, Kaidan!”

“Bye, Liara!”

They left together, arm in arm, and that left me and Shepard standing in the middle of the dance floor staring at each other. She opened her mouth to speak, when Ashley jumped in between, her arms around our necks, pulling us all in for what I could guess was a hug.

“Holy shit, Shepard! You didn’t tell me you were friends with John fucking Doe!”

“Uh…” Shepard disentangled herself from Ash's grip. “Yeah, we go way back! He’s great!”

“The Butcher of Torfan! Holy shit!”

Shepard gave Ash an incredulous look. “Ashley Williams, are you… fangirling over John?”

“No! It’s just that, you know… He’s John Doe!”

“Yeah, so?”

“Ugh, you don’t get it. Why would you, you’re Camilla Shepard!”

“What?!”

“You’re you! The big war hero, the heroine of the Blitz! You and John are legends to us lowly grunts.” She looked at me. “We might be the luckiest Marines in the Alliance. We met Camilla Shepard and John Doe!”

“Oh God! Please stop! Wait, where’s Tali?”

“She wasn’t feeling well and went back to the table.”

“Oh, God. Okay, I’m gonna go check on her.”

After she left, Ash punched me in the arm and wiggled her eyebrows. “So…”

“What?”

“You know what.” She said, tossing a meaningful look in Shepard’s direction.

“Ash…” I groaned. “Nothing happened.”

She rolled her eyes. “Uh huh. Sure, LT.” Before I could answer, Shepard came back.

“Guys. Tali's passed out on the table. I’m going to take her back to the Normandy.”

“I’ll go with you.”

“Oh…” she said, eyes widening at my offer. “You don’t have to, really! Tali weighs practically nothing and you should stay. Have fun. Relax.”

“Shepard. It’s okay. I want to go anyway.”

“Migraine?” she asked, her eyes immediately going from awkward to concerned.

I smiled to try to ease her concern. “Not yet, but…”

“Okay, let’s go. Ash?”

“I think I’m going to stay! Are Joker and Wrex still here?”

“Yeah, they’re at the table.”

“Ok, great. I’ll just stay with them then.”

We went back to the table, said our goodbyes to Joker, Ash and Wrex and carried Tali out of the club. The cool night air hit us immediately and the quiet was welcome after what I guessed were hours of mind numbing bass thumping.

“Shep – hic – I can – hic – walk.”

“Okay. Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, I’m going to let you go now.”

Shepard slowly released her hold on the tiny quarian, and she took two steps before falling face first on the floor and breaking into a fit of giggles.

Shepard crouched down on the floor, wrapping her arms around her torso, while laughing wildly.  
I immediately reached for them, thanking God for my biotic metabolism, before helping the two drunk women stand. We hailed a shuttle back to the Normandy, and before Shepard had clumsily set the coordinates, Tali was asleep in the backseat.

“God, she’s completely trashed. I shouldn’t have let her drink so much.” Shepard slurred.

 _Technically, you’re both equally trashed_ , I thought with a grin. “Nah, don’t worry about it. Worst comes to worst, she’ll wake up tomorrow with a pretty bad headache and we’ll get Chakwas to look at her.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

We sat in silence for couple of minutes, both unsure of what to say. Shepard stared out the window as the Citadel lights zipped by. I wondered if I should ask her about what happened at the club. I wanted to know if she felt the same way I did. And that’s when it hit me. I’m attracted to her. I’m attracted to my CO.

I’d barely known her a couple of weeks, but I couldn’t deny it. As I stared at her, I couldn’t deny how much I wanted to just take her chin and kiss her.

Almost as if she could sense where my thoughts, she turned back to look at me with a small smile on her face. “So…”

“So.” I repeated.

“Do you…” she sighed, and before I knew it, she seemed to sober up a bit. “Are we going to talk about what happened?”

I considered playing dumb – _what happened, Shepard?_ – to try and figure out how she felt. But no. I’m 32 goddamn it, not 16. And we’re both adults. We should talk about it. Preferably when we’re both sober, but since she brought it up…

“I think we should.”

“Okay.” She looked down, catching her lower lip between her teeth. Then she turned back to look at Tali, checking if she really was asleep. “Ok. Listen, I don’t really care for games, so I’m just going to say it.” She paused, bracing herself. “I’m extremely attracted to you, Kaidan.”

I couldn’t help but let out a small laugh at her bluntness. If it had been anybody else, I’d say this sort of blunt honesty was product of the booze, but this was Shepard. To be honest, it was something I admired her for. She always cut right to the chase, never hesitating, unlike me. I always try to leave a way out.

“I’m attracted to you, too, Milla.” I saw a flicker of pleasure in her eyes when I used her first name.

“But…?”

“But what?”

“There’s no but?”

“No.”

“Oh. Well… good.”

“Why’d you think there was going to be a but?”

“Because… I was sure you’d bring up the regs or something.” She mumbled.

“Oh, well… Listen, Shepard it’s not like I make a habit of complicating the chain of command.”

“No, I know.” She gave me a cheeky smile that made her dimples flutter to life. “You were going to kiss me.”

“Yeah, I wanted to.”

“I wanted you to, too. Wait, what?” She giggled. “I meant, I wanted you to kiss me, too.”

Tali snored, and we burst out laughing.

“But listen, maybe it was for the best. We should take things slow.” She drawled out the last word, before laughing. It was actually kind of cute, to see she was a happy drunk.

“Yeah, I don’t want to distract you too much.”

She huffed a laugh. “Yeah.”

“So we’ll take it slow. Get to know each other.”

“I’d like that.”

The shuttle landed on the docking bay and I gently carried Tali back to the ship. It was completely dark and silent. Shepard walked with me to the pods and helped me place Tali in hers. Or tried to, anyway. Once we made sure she was comfortable and fast asleep, I walked her to her cabin.

“So… Good night.”

“Good night, Kaidan.” She leaned in and gave me a kiss right on the corner of my mouth. With a coy smile, she left me standing there – my hand going to touch the corner of my lips hers had just left – and went into her cabin.


	5. Bring Down the Sky

After leaving the Citadel, things seemed to just continually get worse. The whole ship was feeling the effects of Noveria, each and every one of us feeling sorry for Liara. To have your own mother try to kill you, to be forced to choose between saving your life or your mother’s… I wouldn’t wish that even on my worst enemy. Liara was putting on a brave face, seeming even more determined to catch Saren and bring him to justice.

Shepard had done all she could to comfort the young asari, and I could see how it was starting to wear on her. This mission, Bernezia, Saren, the Rachni, the Council, the Alliance… She had bags under her eyes, wasn’t eating as much – and Shepard could _eat!_ – and was forgoing her daily laps for the punching bag more and more.

I tried to be there, to comfort her, but I honestly wasn’t very good at it. I was a pleasant distraction, at best. I would make her laugh over a cup of tea, I would make her blush with a bold line, or I would hold the bag while she worked it until her knuckles bled. I tried to help her anyway I could. The whole crew did.

Her mood got worse after a mission in the Exodus Cluster. We were in the Asgard system when we were alerted that an asteroid, X57, was going to hit the human colony Terra Nova in four hours. Shepard immediately mobilized her ground team and we landed on the asteroid to investigate. It all turned out to be a ploy by Batarian extremists led by a batarian named Balak, who wanted to wipe out the colony. There, Shepard was faced with a tough call. She could let Balak go and save the hostages, or sacrifice them in order to kill Balak.

She chose the latter.

I didn’t question her decision, though I wished it hadn’t come to that. I understood why it had to be done. I just wished we would’ve been able to kill that son of bitch and save those people.  
Tonight, I found Shepard at our usual table in the mess, staring into her mug of tea. She looked… lost. God knows how long she’s been there. There was no steam rising from the cup and there was caked blood on her knuckles.

“Shepard.”

She lifted her head, blinking a few times as if just waking up. “Kaidan. Hey.” She tried to muster a smile, but I could see through it.

“Shepard. Are you okay?”

“Fine.”

“Shepard… Please talk to me.”

“About what?”

“Shepard.”

She sighed, shaking her head. “No, Kaidan. I appreciate what you’re trying to do, but I –”

“Milla.” I begged. “Please.”

“Fine.” She took a deep breath, as if steadying herself. “It’s just… all of this brings back memories.”

“Mindoir?”

She nodded. “And Elysium.”

“You want to talk about it?”

She scoffed. “Kaidan, I have talked about it. With shrinks, with Anderson, with John…”

“But not with me.”

She looked at me, eyes glistening with unshed tears. “But not with you.”

“Please.”

Milla closed her eyes, and I knew she was trying to hold back tears. “The day of the raid on Mindoir, I was with my boyfriend, Eryck. We were fooling around in my dad’s shed when we heard a ship landing. Soon afterwards, we heard shots, and bombs. We got down and peeked out the door just as –” Her eyes left mine, looking down to stare intently at her cup of tea. “I saw…”

I reached for her hand and squeezed. Her eyes flickered back to mine as she squeezed back.

“I saw as they dragged out my family. They had my mother by her hair. My dad was being held down by two of them. Another one had my little brother. He was eleven years old. H-He didn’t understand what was going on, he didn’t know who they were and why they were grabbing him and shoving him. He, uh, was pretty big for his age. Strong. So he tried to break loose, he tried to fight, he even hit the batarian who was holding him back. They shot him. Shotgun to the chest. He was dead instantly.

My mother… God, I’ll never forget my mother’s scream. It was just this awful, horrible sound. And my dad… God, my dad… He was such gentle, easygoing guy. He was the type to always avoid conflict, the type that never picked a fight. But seeing my brother… It must have broken something in him. He just let loose, he started fighting the batarians, trying to get my mom and run. They were both shot as they made a break for it. I remember Eryck had to clamp his hand on my mouth to muffle my screams.  
It all sort of gets fuzzy after that. He grabbed my hand, broke a window in the back of the shed and pushed me through it. He told me to run, he pulled me with him as I tripped and stumbled. I was so confused, disoriented, all I could do was follow him. We ran into the fields, the crops were tall enough to hide us. He kept pulling me, urging me to run. And then, all of a sudden, he stopped. Took my face in his hands. Told me to stay down and be quiet. He, um…” Her chin started trembling. “He told me I had to run. I had to keep going into the fields and be quiet. I heard rustling and realized they were close. So he pushed me onwards and he turned back. He sacrificed himself for me. He got caught so I could escape.”

“I’m sorry.”

She ignored me, or seemed to. She just kept going. “Anderson found me, two days later maybe. Time seemed to blur and I don’t know how long I hid there. I was so scared, Kaidan.”

I didn’t know what to say. What do you say to someone who had lost everything she’d ever known in one night? _Gee, that’s tough, I’m sorry it happened to you?_ So I just stood and went to sit on the chair next to hers. She looked at me and just leaned into me as I brought my arms around her.

“It took years for me to stop being afraid of them. A picture of a batarian was enough to give me a full-on panic attack. And nightmares, so many nightmares. When I joined the Alliance, that fear turned to anger, to hatred. I _hated_ batarians.”

I could hear the anger in her voice. I could hear the hatred.

“I hated them as much as they hate us. I blamed them for all the things that had gone wrong in my life, just like they do to us! All I wanted to do was get assigned to some kind of mission where I got to fight them. Anything, slave trades, pirate gangs, smuggling rings. I was older now, I had combat training, and I wanted revenge for my family, for Eryck and for Mindoir.

Then Elysium happened, and my hatred for them mixed with my desire to protect the colony at any cost. I wouldn’t let Elysium to become the next Mindoir. I rallied my squad, and some civilian volunteers. And I just shot my fucking guns at every single one of them. I reveled in it. I laughed every time I saw one of their heads explode through my scope, every time they were blown up by one of my grenades. Until it was over… and I realized I didn’t feel... anything. I was numb. I felt nothing. I didn’t feel like I avenged Mindoir, I didn’t feel like justice was done, I didn’t feel anything.

After Elysium, my psych eval came a little messed up. I had to undergo extensive treatment for my PTSD and my request to participate in the assault on Torfan was denied.” She sighed. “It took me years to work through these issues, years of treatment with a therapist until I finally began to stop hating them, to see them as people.”

Now that, I could understand. I knew what it was like to finally see aliens as something more; to realize, after an awful situation, just how human they were. It happened for me with Vyrnnus.

“And then shit likes this happens.” She whispered, trembling with frustration. “Just when I thought I was over it, they go and do something like this. And that hatred that I’ve tried so hard to squash down comes bubbling back up. And I feel I’m right back at square one. That I’m not the bigger person like I thought I was, that I’m still a racist, batarian – hating piece of shit person.”

I tightened my arms around her, pressing a kiss on her head. She hated herself, I realized, because she hated them. And she didn’t want to hate all batarians. She at least tried to see them as people, even if all the ones she’d met so far had given her reasons to hate them.

“You’re not a racist, piece of shit person.”

“Oh, but I am!” She laughed a mirthless laugh. “Look at what happened today! I sacrificed three innocent people in order to kill Balak! Without even blinking! I did it because it was what I felt had to be done!”

“Exactly!”

“What?” She looked at me, surprised I was agreeing with her. I placed both my hands on her neck, holding her face, forcing her to look at me straight in the eye.

“Listen, I… I understand how you feel. I do. And… I think you did the right thing, Shepard, given the circumstances. If there was anybody capable of both saving the engineers and nailing Balak at the same time, it would’ve been you. If _you_ didn’t see another way out, it’s because there _wasn’t_ another way. And if you had let Balak go to save Kate and the others, believe me when I say he’d have tried something like this again on another colony, and maybe that time, nobody would be there to stop him.

You saved the lives of 4 million people on Terra Nova today, Shepard.”

“At the cost of Kate’s and two other engineers’ lives.”

“Yes. And their sacrifice will be remembered. Even the right choices have consequences.” I echoed the words my father had said to me, all those years ago.

“Wise words.”

“They’re not mine. My father’s.” I clarified.

“Wise man.” She mused. “Thank you, Kaidan.” She looked up at me, finally giving me a small but genuine smile.

“Feeling better?”

“A bit.”

“Okay. That’s good enough for me. Now… would you let me take a look at your knuckles?”

She groaned, but nodded all the same. I disentangled myself from her – my body immediately noticing the loss of her warmth – and went to the medbay for some supplies. I returned and began cleaning the wounds, before applying medigel and bandaging her hands. Milla just sat there quietly, staring at me the whole time.

“All done.”

“Hmm…”

“What?”

“I like watching you work. You get this tiny crease between your eyebrows right there…” She touched the skin between my eyebrows.

“I like your dimples.” I said, suddenly feeling bold, and I cupped her cheek with my palm, my thumb caressing the tiny dip in her cheek.

Her eyes widened, and I could practically feel the blood rushing to her face. Her tongue darted out to wet her lips, and I slowly began pulling her closer to me. She didn’t hesitate, her eyes going from my eyes to my mouth before closing. I closed mine, feeling her warm breath on mine, her lips agonizingly close – when we heard hard steps on the stairs. Once again, we jumped away from each other just as Joker walked into the mess.

“Oh, uh, Commander.” He stood at attention. Or tried to, anyway. “And, Kaidan.”

“At ease, Joker. Kaidan here was just patching up my knuckles.” She raised her bandaged hands.

“Oh, well, I didn’t mean to interrupt. I was just going to bed, ma'am.” He gave me a pointed look, before turning back to Shepard. “I set a course for Feros, ETA 26 hours.”

“Very good, Joker.” She stood. “Well, I’m off to bed. Thanks for everything, Lieutenant.”

“No problem, Commander.”

“Good night, guys.”

“Good night!” Joker yelled as she walked back to her cabin. He sat down beside me, placing his crutches against the table, a smug smile on his face.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“Okay. Good. I’m turning in as well.” I clapped my hands on my thighs and stood. “Good night, Joker.”

“What? Are you serious?”

“Yeah.”

“And you’re not going to tell me anything?”

“About what?” 

“Oh, come on! You know what!”

“Good night, Joker!” I started walking towards my pod, leaving Joker yelling at my back, begging for details.


	6. Distraction

Feros was… disgusting. There’s no other word for it. My stomach still turns when I think of the Thorian. Shepard was amazing, though. That woman’s charm had a way of persuading anyone to do as she wants. I swear if I ever get caught speeding, I want her as my advocate. She laughed when I told her as much.

From what I could see, Milla was finally feeling better after the whole incident on Asteroid X57. She was jogging again, and complaining that the Normandy’s cargo bay was too small, and she couldn’t really calculate distances. _I’m getting a treadmill_ , she’d said, _I want a fucking treadmill_.

We hadn’t really talked since the other night, though. It wasn’t like things were weird. We were just busy. Well, she was busy. Saren seemed to be closer than ever, and Shepard was working non stop with Liara to try to figure out the “Cipher” she got on Feros. So much so, we hadn’t met for the last couple nights because she was still working with Liara.

“What do you think they do, though?” Ash asked one day, as I helped her at the weapons bench. The chief had everything neatly organized, making everything easy to find.

“I don’t know. It’s probably got something to do with Protheans, though.”

“You know, a little birdy told me our prothean expert has a crush on our brave commander.”  
I dropped the gun oil. _Crap._ It began to spill every where and I picked up quickly. I cleared my throat and side eyed Ash. “Really?”

“Yeah.” She looked immensely pleased with herself. “But I don’t think anything will come of it.”

“Why?” I asked, trying to appear uninterested while I cleaned my gun.

“Well… I don’t really think she’s the Commander’s type.”

“She’s not.” Wrex came over and began disassembling his shotgun. “Now, Junior, over here,” he pointed to me, “is exactly her type.”

I blushed and couldn’t help but stutter. “I w-what?”

“Oh, really? How do you figure?” Ash egged him on.

“Pheromones.” He crinkled his nose. “I can smell them from her every time you two are in the same room together.”

“Really?” Ash wiggled her eyebrows at me.

“You humans really don’t have a great sense of smell, do ya?”

“Uh, no.”

“Well, if you don’t believe me, then ask the turian.” He said, turning back to his shotgun.

Ashley snorted a laugh as I covered my face with a hand. “Oh, god.”

“Oh my god! Garrus!” Ash yelled for him.

“Yeah!” he yelled back from under the Mako.

“Is it true you can smell pheromones?”

“Whose? Kaidan’s or Shepard’s?”

I groaned and Ash began laughing wildly, arms around herself, covering her stomach.

“It’s not that funny.” I mumbled as Ash kept laughing hysterically, tears coming from her eyes.

“I don’t understand why you don’t just admit you're attracted to each other and get it over with.” Garrus came over, wiping engine grease off his talons with a piece of cloth.

“Okay. It’s not that simple.” I argued nervously.

“Ah ha! So you admit there is something going on!” Ash chimed in. 

“N-no!” I stammered. “I mean… you know there are regs, Ash.” I mumbled.

“Yeah, so I’ve heard.” Garrus said, his mandibles raised in a turian smirk. “Funny how you didn’t seem to remember them the other night at Purgatory.”

“W-we were just dancing!” I yelled, pretty sure I sounded like a petulant teenager.

“Uh huh.” Garrus rolled his eyes. 

“The turian's got a point. You looked like you were about ready to jump each other.” Wrex chimed in. 

“Who was?” Tali said, coming into the cargo bay. _Great!_ I couldn’t help but groan as I saw yet another person join this silly conversation about my love life. 

“Shepard and Kaidan.” Ash told the quarian as she came to stand next to Garrus.

“What?! When?”

“The other night at Purgatory. Too bad the asari interrupted you just as things we’re getting good.” I mock glared at Wrex. “I was drunk, not blind.”

“Keelah!” Tali squealed excitedly. 

“Nothing happened.” I said curtly, as I began to put all my stuff away.

“Nothing happened?” She repeated, clearly disappointed.

“No. Shepard and Kaidan _almost_ made out.” 

Garrus’ choice of words making me feel like I was back in middle school, with everyone talking about how I _almost_ made out with the most popular girl in school at someone’s party in the basement.

“No!” Tali screamed at the same time I spoke.

“Excuse me! Weren’t you off 'blowing off steam’ with some woman you picked up at the bar?”

“She asked me to dance before we left.” He waved his hand dismissively.

“Wait, where was I?”

“Passed out at our table.” Wrex told Tali.

“Keelah,” She sighed. “I always miss the good stuff.”

“Don’t worry, Tali.” Garrus put a hand on her shoulder. “I’m sure we’ll see many more awkward Shepard/Kaidan moments before this mission's over.”

“Ooh! I have a good one, I just realized it!” Ash piped up excitedly.

“Ok. I’m gonna go.” I said and a chorus of groans erupted in the room.

“Oh come on!”

“We were just teasing!”

“Guys, it’s okay. I just… have to go.”

“Okay.” Ash said with a sad smile. “I’ll tell you my Shepard story another time.”

“Yeah. Sure.” 

I turned and walked to the elevator, the doors opening just as Ash began her story.

“Okay. So, I was talking to one of my sisters when Shepard came to talk to me…”

* * *

That night I waited for Shepard in the mess well into the night cycle. I missed talking to her and, to be honest, what Ash told me about Liara got me a little nervous. I just… wanted to talk to her. Figure out where we stand.

I boiled the water and poured it into the small pot, waiting five minutes for it to cool before introducing the herbs, just like she taught me. _The water needs to be hot, but not boiling hot, otherwise the herbs get burnt and the tea tastes bitter_. She came out of the medbay, looking exhausted, just as I was pouring the tea into her favorite N7 mug.

Her eyes lit up as she saw me and she reached eagerly for the cup, sniffing gingerly.

“Oh, God!” She crashed into one of the chairs. “It smells amazing! Thank you, Kaidan.”

I chuckled and sipped my own tea. “You’re welcome.”

Milla tasted her tea and I saw how her eyes widened as she pulled back to stare at the mug. “Wow. This is really good.”

“I’m glad you like it. I made it just like you taught me.”

“And so the student surpasses the master.” She grinned, before yawning widely. “God, I’m so tired. How are you, Kaidan? I feel like we haven’t talked in forever.”

“Yeah, we haven’t had time together since our last chat and…a lot was said. When we talked.”

“You seemed decisive then, Lieutenant. Why so hesitant now?” She asked, moving closer to me. It was almost… predatory, and I could feel myself blushing.

“Sorry. Not sure where I stand. You seem a bit, uh, distracted. By someone.”

She looked completely taken aback, but recovered quickly. “Alright, Alenko. Off the record, permission to speak candidly, cross my heart and hope to die. What are you talking about?”

“Uh, Dr. T’Soni. Ma’am. There’s a lower-deck rumor that she’s, uh, interested in you. As more than a source of Prothean data. She’s a very interesting lady. Not to my, uh, tastes. But I never claimed to be big on alien culture.”

Milla looked perplexed for a second, before snorting. And that snort became a full blown, belly shaking, tears-streaming-down-her-face laugh. She almost spilled her tea, before taking a couple of deep breaths and wiping the tears from her cheeks. “Kaidan, are you jealous… of Liara?”

“No! It’s just… We don’t have much downtime these days. And I like being around you. But I – I don’t want to take up your personal time.”

“You don’t! I mean, you do… but I like spending time with you.” She gave me a sad smile, looking almost… disappointed. “Look, I think I told you… I don’t care for games. When I told you I was attracted to you, I meant it. I like _you,_ Kaidan, and I want to get to know you better.” She sighed. “Now, if I have to spell it out for you… there’s absolutely nothing going on between me and Liara. We’re friends. We’ve become pretty good friends, to be honest. And she’s kind of… well, they’re not really seeing each other, but she’s been talking to John via extranet messages, and she really likes _him.”_

_“Oh.”_ I felt like an ass. A real, honest to God ass. And I’m going to kill Ash next time I see her.

“Yeah. So…”

“Milla, I’m sorry.” 

“That’s okay. You can make it up to me later.” She winked, a wicked grin on her face.  
I couldn’t help the nervous laugh that escaped me. “I – I don’t want to distract you too much.”

“So you’ve said, though I have to admit, you’re doing a very poor job at it.”

“Yeah… It’s just… The deeper we get into this mess, the bigger it seems.” She sighed, the mood sobering up and becoming a bit more serious. “I’m just looking for an ear. The debriefing wasn’t the right place to say how ridiculous this is. Seems like every other race in the galaxy is wrapped up in their own problems. They don’t want to see what’s coming.”

“Wanting to believe everything will be fine? Sounds like human nature to me.”

“Yeah. I guess some things carry across species well enough. I should remember that after what happened with Vyrnnus.”

Her eyes narrowed a tiny bit, that piercing look on her face again – the one that made you feel like she was studying you, and made you keep talking and spill all your secrets. “I’d think you’d carry a grudge over the crap you took from Vyrnnus.”

“Before I met Vyrnnus, I knew as much as any other civilian. Aliens were weird, superior, and tried to tell us what to do. I mean, it’s only be 26 years since first contact. That’s not a lot of time to understand them. It was Vyrnus who made me see how human aliens are. They’re not different or special. They’re jerks and saints just like us. Hell, by the time I got payback, I didn’t even want it anymore.”

“I don’t see you snapping very easily. What finally did it?”

_“What’s the matter, cadet? Too tired? Too weak?” Vyrnus's subharmonics took on a predatory hum._   
_“Thirsty.” Rahna whispers._   
_“Oh, I’m sorry. Try this.” He pulls a glass of water with his biotics, dangling just out of Rahna's reach. “Come on, it’s so close.”_   
_“I – can’t.”_   
_“That’s too bad. But that was a really good effort. Here.”_   
_He brings the glass closer to her. She reaches for it… with her hand!_   
_“Rahna, don't!”_   
_Her arm broke with an audible snap._

I shook my head, trying to clear the memory away, until I felt Milla's hand taking mine, her thumb running circles on my skin. 

“He hurt Rahna. Broke her arm. She reached for a glass of water instead of pulling it biotically. She just wanted a drink without getting a nosebleed, you know? Like an idiot, I stood up. Didn’t know what I was going to do…just something. And Vyrnnus lost it. Beat the crap out of me. Kept shouting how they should have bombed us back into the stone age. That’s when the knife came up. A military-issue talon, right in my face. I cut loose. Full biotic kick, right in the teeth. Almost as strong as I can manage now. At seventeen, that’s something.” I looked down at the floor, ashamed. 

Milla was such a good person, a good soldier, that she never killed anyone without a good reason. I was so sure she was going to berate me for loosing control. Instead, she pulled up my chin, gently caressing my cheek. 

“You wanted to help a girl you cared for. That’s a noble thing.”

“Maybe my intentions were noble. But I lost control. I killed him, Milla. Snapped his neck. They probably could’ve saved him, if they got him to an infirmary quick enough. But they didn’t. Caused a stir when they shipped him home. BAaT training was shut down. Conatix folded a couple of years later. It’s funny. I’m not sure which of us got the worst of what happened.”

“What about Rahna? Was she all right?”

_“Rahna! I’m sorry! I couldn’t let him – ”_   
_“I know. I know, Kaidan.” She stepped away from me. “But what you did… you can’t make that right. He’s dead.”_   
_“He deserved it! Even the administrators said he went too far. With Shelby, with you –”_   
_“That doesn’t make it right! I’m sorry. I just – you scared me, Kaidan.”_

“Rahna? Yeah. Yeah, she was fine. We never really, uh – We stopped talking after that.”

“Kaidan. I’m so sorry. I, um… can’t say I understand, but… I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve that.”

“Maybe. But Rahna had a gentle heart. She loved everyone. Vyrnnus terrified her. We all protected her from him. Everyone who – E-Everyone who loved her. But after what I did to him, she was terrified of me, too.” I sighed, before realizing I'd gotten carried away with this whole thing. “Anyway, this is, um…I had a point here. Aliens are individuals. Just because one’s an ass doesn’t mean they all are. So yeah, I hated that turian. But he wasn’t ‘a turian' to me. He was Vyrnnus.”

“That’s… an admirable way to think. Really. I wish I could think like that.” 

“Hey.” I squeezed her hand. “You do. Or you at least try. You have been through so much, Milla. And yet, you don’t let your past experiences color your perceptions on people. You don’t judge them by their race or where they come from. You judge them by their character, by what they bring to the table.” I laughed. “I mean, your ground team are almost all aliens!”

“None of them are batarians.”

“Well, no… but if – let’s say, Garrus was a batarian, would you still have agreed to work with him?”

“A batarian C – Sec officer who has a whole investigation on the rogue Spectre I’m hunting? I’d kinda have to even if I didn’t want to.”

“See? You’d still work with him. You might not like it, you’d be wary of him, and probably wouldn’t trust him at first, but you’d do it anyway.”

“I guess.”

“You’re a good person, Milla.”

She gave me this look that said she didn’t really believe me. “Thanks. You are, too.”

I took her hand and interlaced my fingers with hers. I loved the little current of electricity that seemed to course through my body every time I touched her.

“So that’s why you’re so self-controlled.” She said, after a while.

“I’m no more disciplined than any other biotic, Shepard. This is all ancient history. I’m over it.”

“Rahna’s rejection changed you. You agonize over doing the right thing, and you never let yourself lose control... because Rahna spurned you after Vyrnnus died.”

Damn. She could’ve been a shrink. “That’s – All right. Maybe you have a point. Maybe. But I’m okay. You don’t have to worry about me. Fully functional human being. I won’t be a burden on you. On the crew.”

Milla rolled her eyes at that, before giving me an exasperated look. “You’re not a burden. Kaidan, you’re a strong man. Talking about this doesn’t make you a whiner, and it doesn’t make you immature. It makes you human.”

“All right. But it’s embarrassing you had to tell me that. You’re right. I might need to loosen up. A little. I’ll try.”

“Promise me you’ll try.”

“I promise. You know… you could’ve been a shrink.”

A deep chuckle escaped her. “I wanted to, actually. When I was a kid. I wanted to go to school on Earth and study psychology. Get a PhD in neuroscience, or a Masters degree. Open up my own practice. Maybe even join the Alliance, but with my degree.”

“Really? Well, you’re really good at reading people.”

“Oh, I know. Have been ever since I was kid. My mom…” she smiled fondly, “My mom used to say I was like a camera. One look was all it took me to get a person’s ‘portrait’. She loved the idea. My dad, however, hated it. He said you could just read a couple psychology books and bingo. It wasn’t a career. It wasn’t challenging enough. He wanted me to be a doctor or an engineer. Or Miss Universe.”

I couldn’t help the snort, and tea that came through my nose. “What?”

“I know, right?” she laughed. “It’s ridiculous!”

“How’d he even go from one thing to the other? It’s not like they're similar career paths.”

“I swear I don’t know.” She pulled up her omnitool and after searching for a bit, she pulled up a picture of her 16 year old self, sandwiched between who I assumed were her parents, and a chubby boy with glasses. “That’s my dad, Victor Shepard, and my mom, Virginia. My little brother’s name was Sebastian.”

“You look just like your mom. Except for the eyes. They’re your dad’s.”

“Everyone used to say that when I was little.” She sighed. “I wish… I wish they could see me now.”

“They'd be really proud. How could they not? I mean look at you! You’re Commander Camilla Shepard, the Hero of the Blitz, the First Human Spectre. I think your parents would be really proud to see who you’ve become.”

“Yeah, I guess so.” She flipped to another picture, this one of her and another young girl, hugging. “Her name was Tamara. She was my best friend.” Another picture of her and a group of teenagers by a pool. “Matty, Karen, Ben, Valerie and Francisco. My friends.”

It tore something in me, to see this young girl in the picture, eyes full of laughter, of life, of possibilities. So many possibilities. If things had been different… would she have been a psychologist? A doctor? An engineer? Would she have ever left Mindoir? Would I have met her nonetheless? Even though I felt bad for even thinking it, I couldn’t help but be grateful for the twists and turns her life had taken, no matter how painful. They made her into this amazing woman she was today, this amazing individual forged in the fires of war. And I know now that my life would’ve been… empty if I’d never met her.

“And this… this was Eryck.” I turned my attention back to the holopic, this one of her hugging a tall dark skinned boy with a cocky smile. “His family was from Brazil, and he could speak Portuguese. He even taught me some, which came incredibly handy when I was at the Villa for N training.”

With a fond, nostalgic smile, she turned off her 'tool.

“Thank you… for showing me those.”

“Thank you, too.”

“For what?”

“For listening.”

I reached up to cup her cheek. “Always.” 

I pulled her in, eyes locked on hers, before pressing my lips to her.

She pulled back, eyes still closed, and I immediately thought I’d gone too fast or done something wrong, until she opened her eyes and smiled.

“What? Was that – Was it okay?”

“Yeah, no, it was great. I just… I was waiting for somebody to interrupt us.” She looked around before wrapping her arms around my neck. “It seems tonight is our lucky night.”

She crushed her mouth against mine, and I was struck by the sheer power of the kiss. Our tongues met in a wild dance, our hands finally free to roam each other’s body. Her touch was electric, sending shivers down my spine, and she moaned when I tangled my hands in her long brown hair, which was – for once, I realized – out of its tight regulation bun, flowing loosely down her back.

We finally broke apart, both of us breathless and smiling like idiots, before she pulled me up without a word and began leading me to her cabin. My thoughts began to race as we walked the short distance from the mess to her door, and I could feel my tongue becoming tied, leaving me at a loss of words.

“Milla…” I managed, surprised with how husky my voice sounded.

“Relax, Kaidan. You’re just walking me to my door, like the proper gentleman I know you are.” She turned, still walking backwards to her cabin. 

“My pleasure.” I gave her an impish smile of my own.

Once we reached her cabin, I couldn’t help myself as I pressed her against her door, took her face in my hands and leaned in for one last kiss. I made sure this one was a slow one; I wanted to savor her before letting her go and pressing my forehead against hers. 

“Good night, Milla.”

“Good night, Kaidan.” She gave me one last peck on the lips before raising her hand to unlock her door. “And be sure to rest up, soldier. We head to Virmire tomorrow.”

“Aye, aye, ma'am.”

“And Kaidan,” She bit her lip, and I was transfixed by the pink piece of flesh caught between her teeth, “just so you know, you suck at not distracting me… And yet, you’re the best distraction a girl could ask for.”


	7. Mourning

“Bomb is in position! We’re all set here!”

“Commander, can you read me?” Ash’s voice came through the comm.

“The nuke is almost ready. Get to the rendezvous point, Williams!” Shepard ordered.

“Negative, Commander.” We could hear shots and fighting in the background. “The geth have us pinned down on the AA tower. We’re taking heavy casualties. We'll never make the rendezvous point in time!”

Shepard closed her eyes, scowling. _Fuck_ , she mouthed, before pressing her hand to her ear. “Get them out of there, Joker! Now!”

“Negative! It’s too hot! Can’t risk it! We’ll hold out as long as we c –”

“Williams! Williams, do you copy?”

“It’s okay, Commander. I need a couple of minutes to finish arming the bomb! Go get them and meet me back here!”

I could see doubt in her eyes for one brief second, before she squashed it down. “Are you sure?” she whispered.

I only nodded.

“Up to the AA tower!” She motioned for the rest of the squad to follow her. “Move!”

They took off immediately, running towards the tower, while I got to work on the bomb with the rest of the marines. I focused solely on arming this nuke, effectively blocking out the sounds of fighting, and Shepard’s voice shouting out orders. I was almost done when I heard one of the marines.

“Reinforcements! We better hurry.” 

I looked up to see a geth cruiser landing a couple hundred meters away. Hundreds of geth dropped from the ship, swarming us. I took cover, before trying to capture some in a stasis field, while lifting and throwing others around and shooting them. It wasn’t working; there were too many of them!

“Heads up, LT! We just spotted a troop ship heading to your location.”

“It’s already here! There’s geth pouring out all over the bomb site!” 

“Can you hold them off?” Shepard’s voice rang through the comm.

“There’s too many! I don’t think we can survive until you get here!” 

It wasn’t until I’d said those words that it hit me how dire the situation was. _I'm going to die_. Here. Right now. But I would do it to help Shepard stop Saren. I would blow up this disgusting facility and a portion of his geth army. I could live with that. 

“I’m activating the bomb!”

“Alenko, what are you doing?!”

“I’m just making sure this bomb goes off. No matter what!” I ran towards the bomb and activated it before she could argue. “It’s done, Commander. Go get Williams and get the hell out of here!”

I felt my heartbeat in my ears, adrenaline coursing through me. I was scared, but at least I knew Shepard must be close to Williams and soon they’d all be gone. She’d be safe. She’d live and save the galaxy.

“Screw that! We can handle ourselves! Go back and get Alenko!” Ash argued.

There was a tense silence that seemed to last forever, before Shepard’s heavy voice came through.

“Alenko… radio Joker and tell him to meet us at the bomb site.”

_What_? _!_

I felt as if I'd been hit in the stomach, weak and unable to breathe. I could feel my heartbeat in my ears, could feel a migraine coming on. I had to get a hold of myself!

“Yes, Commander… I – I…”

“You know it’s the right choice, LT!”

“Ash…” Shepard’s voice was heavy with grief. “I’m so sorry. I had to make a choice.”

“I understand, Commander.” She sounded incredibly calm, almost… at peace. “I don’t regret a thing.”

I wanted to say something, anything, but the words didn’t come to me. I realized there was nothing I could say... And nothing I could do but take down as many of these geth bastards before Shepard got here.  
Drawing energy from my anger, my grief, my sorrow, my biotics seemed to engulf me as I began hitting geth after geth with them. A small part of me knew I was pushing myself too hard, but I just couldn’t seem to care. All I wanted was to kill every single son of a bitch that crossed my path.

Moments later, Shepard and the squad came barging in, the Commander’s fierce war cry breaking the noise of the shooting. It seemed to take the geth by surprise, though it didn’t last long. She tore through every single one of them, shooting every single one of them with her multiple weapons, leaving a whirlwind of destruction in her path. 

It wasn’t until every single geth was dead on the floor, that Shepard seemed to deflate. She was breathing heavily, an ugly gash on her cheek, eyes unfocused. Her eyes met mine for a split second before both of us looked away.

Now that she was here… reality sank in, for both of us. She chose me. I would live and Ash would die, because Shepard chose me. Because of us. 

I didn’t have much time to dwell on it though, before Saren finally made his appearance. He swooped down on us, throwing multiple biotic attacks from his hovercraft. 

He floated down with all the grace of an asari matriarch. Shepard tried to talk him down as he ranted on about Reapers and how we should submit to them or face extinction. She tried to make him see that he was wrong, that he was indoctrinated, that he was only a pawn for Sovereign. For a moment, I thought she had gotten through to him, as the turian hesitated just a bit. But no. He refused to listen and all hell broke loose.

He began shooting biotic beams at us, one of them knocking me down near the bomb. I hit my head hard enough to leave me dizzy, my vision blurry and unfocused, and my back and side aching. I tried to lift my head, my eyes scanning desperately for Shepard despite the blur. I saw how Saren had her by her throat raised two feet in the air. She was clawing at his wrist, and I tried desperately to get up, to summon my biotics, but my body wouldn’t cooperate. Shepard lifted her fist and punched Saren square in the jaw. He let her go and took a few steps back, dazed, as Shepard fell to the ground, gulping air into her lungs. She crawled to reach her gun as Saren ran back to his hovercraft. 

Then Shepard was in front of me, offering her hand and urging me to get up. I took it and she pulled me up, and I groaned from the sharp pain on my side. I think I may have broken a couple ribs. She pulled my arm over her shoulders as she helped me walk towards the Normandy.

“Garrus, get him to the medbay now!” she yelled as she handed me to the turian before running for the elevator, probably off to the cockpit.

I felt numb, was in some sort of daze all the while Dr. Chakwas saw to me. Just as she was finishing bandaging my torso, Shepard called for a debriefing in the comm room. I stood up slowly, making my way there with Liara’s help.

Milla looked absolutely exhausted, her eyes glassy and red rimmed, the gash on her cheek now dry with caked blood. She looked at me when I came in, her eyes flashing a different million emotions, all raging from relief to guilt to sadness. I let go of Liara and made my way to her, never breaking eye contact. She gave me an almost imperceptible shake of her head before gesturing to sit down.

“Did you get your side seen to?”

“Uh, yeah. Just a couple of bruised ribs.”

“Okay. Good.”

As everyone else came inside, I couldn’t help but look to Ash’s seat. 

Empty. 

So very empty. 

Shepard began speaking, directly addressing Ash’s death.

“… and she was a good soldier, but more than that, a good friend. We will remember her and honor her memory and sacrifice.” At her pause, I looked to her and saw she was barely holding it together. “I will inform her family personally.”

“Shepard…” Garrus began. 

“No. I’m fine.” She cut him off. “Now, about the beacon…”

She and Liara joined minds again, a chill running down my back when the asari told her to embrace eternity. After their joining, Liara deduced the Conduit was on Ilos, before feeling faint. Without further ado, Shepard dismissed us and asked Joker to patch her in to the Council.

I didn’t leave after dismissal. It was like I was glued on the spot.

“Joker, hold on a minute.” I heard her say. “Kaidan.”

She came and sat next to me. I saw her reach for my hand before pulling back, the silence stretching on between us.

“I – I just… can’t believe that Ash didn’t make it.”

Milla laid her elbows on her knees and brought her face down to her hands, blowing out a deep breath.

“Williams knew the risks going in. She gave her life to save the rest of us.” 

I could hear the defensiveness in her tone, just as I felt my anger simmering beneath the surface.

“But why me? Why not her?”

Milla finally raised her gaze to look at me. “If you were anybody else, I’d tell you it was because you’re the higher ranking officer, you have more combat experience, and it just makes tactical sense.” She looked away, steeling herself. “But I won’t lie to you. Ever. I’m sorry, Kaidan. I’d never leave you behind. I couldn’t. You know that.”

Her tear filled eyes pleaded with me to understand, but I couldn’t. Not right now. Everything was too fresh, too raw. I mean, honestly if I’d been the one to have to make the call, I’d have saved her too. Because… I loved her. But that didn’t change anything. It didn’t help with the pain, the grief, the guilt. Ash died because of me! Because of how Shepard felt about me! Because of this – this… thing, whatever this was, between us.

“I know. But Ash died because of me. Because of us.”

“Don’t!” She interrupted harshly. Her hands were balled into fists, and she was trembling. “Ash died because of Saren! He’s the only one to blame here.” She stood. “Now… if you’ll excuse me, I have to report to the Council.”

“I – I… yes, ma'am.”

I stood and headed straight for my pod, just looking to be alone. Once inside, grief and exhaustion took over me as I cried myself to sleep.

* * *

A few days later, we were on our way to the Citadel, as the Council commanded. I hadn’t seen Milla since that day in the comm room. If I was honest, I’d admit I was avoiding her, and she was probably avoiding me. 

As I replayed the conversation in my head, I realized how… accusatory I must have sounded. Hell, it sounded like I blamed her for Ash’s death, like it was her fault for choosing me because of… whatever we had. No wonder she was so defensive. I knew I should apologize, but I was still working up the nerve to do so. 

And I wanted to hold her, desperately. Once I cleared my head – once I was able to look past my own grief – I realized this must be hard on her as well. It’s never easy to make those kinds of calls, and Ash was a friend to her as well… It hit me then how tough it must be for her – to have to keep a straight face and push herself forward. To not be able to cry or scream or properly mourn your friend, because you’re the Commander and you have to keep it together for your crew, for the mission. And here I was… wallowing in self pity and guilt, blaming her for saving my life. God, I’m an ass.

That night, I waited up until most of the crew fell asleep, before heading to her cabin. The holo lock was green, but I still decided to knock. No one answered, so I just let myself in. Maybe she was in the bathroom or something. If she really wanted to be alone, she'd have locked her door. But once I stepped inside, I realized the cabin was empty. 

There was only one place I could think of where Milla might be. I ran towards the elevator, pushing the “down” button and waiting for the torturously slow elevator to begin its descent. I could hear the thumping before the doors even opened.

There she was, taking all her anger and frustration out on the punching bag. She was completely zoned in, her fists making contact with the bag so quickly that they were almost invisible. The bag was moving and swaying with every brutal hit it received, but she kept going at it, a thin sheen of sweat covering her forehead. 

She was so focused she didn’t look up as I walked to her and held the bag in place for her. It was then when Milla’s eyes cleared and she seemed to see me. She looked so sad, so… defeated. It made my heart ache to see that hopeless look in those usually vibrant eyes. 

She broke eye contact before long, resuming her assault on the bag. I grunted with every hit, making a tremendous effort to keep the bag in place. She refused to meet my eyes, but I kept mine on her face. 

“Stop… staring… at… me.” She said through gritted teeth.

I said nothing, just openly disobeyed her order, and she launched into an even harder series of combinations, making me hold on to the bag for dear life. Tears began to trickle down her face and I swung the bag out of the way in one quick motion, standing in front of it and catching her in my arms just as she faltered.

It was then she finally broke. I held her tight as she sobbed into my neck, her fists balled tightly in my shirt. Her small frame rocked with each sob, and she began to collapse slowly as if all energy was leaving her body. I pressed her closer to me before sitting down on the floor, cradling her. I rubbed her back and whispered soothing words into her ears, just letting her cry out all her stress. As her sobbing began to subside, I stood and carried her to the elevator, absolutely refusing to let her go. Not that she put up a fight, anyway. I carried her all the way into her cabin, before laying her down on her bed. For a moment there, I’d thought she’d fallen asleep in my arms, but as soon as I moved to stand, she grabbed my wrist.

“Please… don’t go.” She whispered.

A million thoughts raced in my mind, thoughts of crossing boundaries and of frat regs, of how it would look to the crew if they saw me leaving the Commander’s cabin in the morning…

“I need… your warmth.”

Before I knew it, I was climbing into bed with her, not a thought in my mind. She immediately snuggled closer to me, holding me tightly against her as she buried her face in my chest. I was sure she would be able to hear the frantic beating of my heart, but before long her breathing evened out and she was fast asleep. I pressed my lips to her head before feeling my eyelids droop. As the exhaustion of today caught up to me, I let myself close my eyes and sleep.

* * *

 

“Kaidan.” A tender voice whispered, lulling me from sleep. I felt a small shove on my shoulder and groaned. “Kaidan, wake up.”

I turned, pulling my pillow over my head, and heard a soft chuckle. Wait… _pillow_? The pods don’t have pillows. I opened my eyes slowly, waiting as they adjusted to the dim lighting. The first thing I saw was a clock on a dresser that blinked 5 am. Just like that, last night’s events came crashing back to me, and I sat up to find Milla by the edge of the bed, a cup of coffee on her hands. Her long hair was wet, and the smell of her shampoo – something coconutty and tropical – wafted in the air.

“Hey.” Her eyes were still red and puffy.

“Hey.” I said, surprised by how hoarse my voice was.

“I brought you coffee.” 

“Thanks.” I accepted the cup, it’s smell wafting up to me, filling my nostrils and instantly waking me up.

“Listen, abou–”

“How’re you d–”

We both grinned sheepishly at the other, and Milla laughed nervously.

“You go.” I told her.

“No, I mean… I just wanted to thank you… for last night. And apologize. I’m sorry you had to see that.”  
I drew my brows together in a frown. “Milla…” I reached for her and she pulled away. “Milla.” 

“No.” She shook her head. “I shouldn’t have done that, broken down like that. Not in front of a subordinate.”

A subordinate? Really? I couldn’t help but scoff. “A subordinate? Is that all I am?”

“When we’re on duty, yes.”

“Well, we weren’t on duty last night.” 

“But still… you shouldn’t have – I shouldn’t have –”

“Shouldn’t what? Have feelings? Emotions?” I set the coffee down and went to her, placing my arms firmly on her shoulders. “You’re allowed to be human, Milla. To feel the loss of your friend. To need comfort.”  
Her head drooped. “You’re only human, Milla.” She opened her mouth to protest, but I kept talking. “You don’t always have to be the Commander. Not around me, anyway. You can come to me with anything, Milla, and I’ll be here. You can count on me for anything.”

“Thank you.” She whispered as she pressed herself against my chest and I wrapped my arms around her. She sniffled before pulling back, rubbing her hands over her eyes.

“I should go.” She nodded. “Wouldn’t want the crew to see me leaving the Commander’s cabin.”

“Yeah.” One corner of her mouth quirked in a small sad smile.

Her eyes met mine and I made no move to leave. It was like I was glued to the spot, transfixed on all the emotions that played in those deep brown eyes.

“How are you doing? Considering…”

“I’m…” I couldn’t help sighing. “I’m dealing. Milla, listen. I’m sorry for everything I said back there. Adrenaline, I guess.”

“Kaidan, it’s okay.”

“No, it’s not!” I cut her off harshly, her eyes widening at my tone. “I’m sorry. It’s just… I was out of line. I mean, i-it… it almost sounded like I was blaming you. And it wasn’t your fault. It was Saren's.”

She took a deep breath and exhaled. “Kaidan, really. I understand. I hate loosing people too.” She whispered.

“I’ve served for years, but never lost a soldier under my command. Not to hostile action, anyway.” Milla reached for my hand and interlaced her fingers with mine. “I-If you don’t mind me asking, how did you deal with the losses on Elysium?”

She brought my hand to her lips before walking to her desk. Beneath a pile of datapads, she unearthed a small notebook – an actual, paper notebook. My eyebrows rose as she handed it to me. 

“Open it.”

I met her eyes hesitantly and she nodded. The first page was blank. The second page contained what seemed to be a never ending list of names. I skimmed through the pad, and for the next seven pages were the names of everyone she'd lost in her lifetime, along with dates and different quotes or descriptions.

_Victor Shepard, 10/21/2170, “You can’t find a fighter, but I see it in you. Rise up.”_

_Virginia Shepard, 10/21/2170, “Good night, sleep tight. I love you.”_

_Sebastian Shepard, 10/21/2170, “I want mashed potatoes with french fries!”_

I couldn’t help but huff a small laugh at that, and she gave me a knowing look.

“He was 11. And he liked mashed potatoes and fries.” She shrugged.

_Eryck Brito, 10/21/2170, “Fight or flight. It’s that simple. It’s basic human instinct. Whenever you feel scared, choose. You fight or you run. So? What’ll it be?”_

The names, dates and quotes kept going, few of them catching my eye.

_Elizabeth Moreno, 07/04/2176, “There’s nothing that can’t be solved with a nice cup of tea and chocolate… or some type of fried food covered in cheese.”_

_Bryan Willems, 07/04/2176, “I swear, Shep, you ever need anything, I’ve got your back. But, you know… do it, call me. It’s okay to ask for help.”_ I couldn’t help but roll my eyes at this one. I’m sorry, Bryan, but seven years later, she still doesn’t know how to ask for help.

I kept on reading, noticing the dates – the last two were probably with her on Elysium – slowly turning the pages, making sure to read every name out of respect, until I finally reached Jenkins' name. Under his, was Nihlus'.

_Nihlus Kryik, 03/28/2183, “You are extraordinary, Camilla Shepard.”_

There, with that one line, all the suspicions I had that night at Purgatory were confirmed. I looked up to find Milla’s eyes on me, carefully neutral, yet attentively watching my reaction. 

“It was Nihlus… wasn’t it? The turian you...”

“Yes.”

“I saw… I saw how he looked at you. How you looked at him. I remember, before Eden Prime…”

“Ah.” She huffed a self deprecating laugh. “And here I thought I was so subtle.” She shook her head. “We met last year, on a mission. He was there as a Spectre, I was there for the Alliance, both investigating a base we thought to be Cerberus. When I introduced myself… he knew me. He’d heard of me… of the Blitz. After the mission was over, we just sort of started hanging out… spending our free time together.”

I wasn’t surprised by the flicker of jealousy that wove its way through me, listening to her speaking of him with such warmth in her voice.

“He was the one who nominated me for Spectre candidacy. I thought it had been Anderson or Udina, but no. It was him. I was so angry at him. I asked him if he’d done that because we were… well, we weren’t together, not really. I guess we never really defined what were. But he said no. He said he admired me deeply, for the Blitz… for Mindoir. For my 'drive to protect the innocent and hold the line'. He always said I would be a great Spectre.”

“Did you love him?” I asked, knowing it was a pretty invasive question. But I had to know.

“No…” She shook her head. “No, I don’t think I did. I definitely cared for him though. Maybe, if we'd had more time together, then I might have fallen for him. But no… I didn’t love him.”

Relief flooded my entire body, and I couldn’t help but smile. Shepard looked at me before turning her eyes back to the ground, and I turned my eyes back to the final name on the page.

_Ashley Williams, 05/26/2183, “You say jump, I'll say how high. You tell me to kiss a turian, I’ll ask which cheek.”_

Tears filled my eyes, but I let out a small laugh. 

“She said that?”

“Yeah...” Milla’s lips quirked up in a small, sad smile.

It sounded like her. 

“So, to answer your question… I vowed to do better. It was my job to get everyone out safe. I failed. I vowed not to let that happen again. Same here. I'll remember her, and I'll do better for her. For all of them.”

“Yeah… I guess that’s all we can do.”

She nodded and I handed her back the tiny notepad. 

“I should go.”

She hummed in assent.

I stood there awkwardly, my arm unconsciously moving to wipe my forehead. 

“Bye, Milla.”

“Goodbye, Kaidan.”

I took my coffee mug, and with one final look in those deep brown eyes, I left her cabin.


	8. The Night Before Ilos

“Two timing, power grabbing, ass kissing son of a bitch!”

Joker snorted, and I sighed as we heard Shepard’s multiple expletives through the open comms, cursing Udina as she took out all her frustration with him and the Council out on that poor punching bag. The meeting with the Council hadn’t gone well, to say the least. Even after all the evidence we had against Saren, the Council refused to send the fleet after him. They ordered it to standby to protect the Citadel in case Saren decided to attack, and they grounded the Normandy. Shepard had been fuming by the time the meeting was over, staring daggers at anyone who dared get in her way. I still didn’t know how she’d managed to have enough self control and not punch Udina in the face. Even I couldn’t stop myself from blurting out an accusation in the middle of the meeting.

Shepard continued working the bag, until we heard a loud rip and thud.

“Fuck!” 

Joker and I looked at each other as Shepard let out a whiny, “No…”

“Uh, Commander?”

We heard as she took a deep breath and let it out. “Yes, Joker?”

“Are you okay?”

She responded after one long second. “Yeah.”

“You sure?”

“The bag broke.”

“Uh… What?” 

“My bag broke.” She repeated, irritation clear in her tone.

“Oh…” Joker gave me the most bewildered look, but I just chuckled. It honestly didn’t surprise me at all; with the way she pounded it, it was a miracle that poor bag survived this long.

She sighed, long and deep. “I’m going to shower. Shepard out.”

Joker turned off the comms and turned to face me. “That bad, huh?”

“Yeah… The Council won’t do anything to stop Saren, and they denied her petition to go to Ilos. Udina, the bastard, berated her in front of the council for trying to start a galactic war with the Terminus Systems.”

“Jackass.”

“Yeah… Shepard didn’t take it well.”

“Yeah, no shit.” He blurted, before giving me an apologetic look. “You should go talk to her…”

I raised an eyebrow. “What makes you think that would help?”

He gave me this look that basically screamed 'do you think I’m stupid or something' and rolled his eyes.

“Listen, I don’t know what’s going on between you two, but everyone – and I do mean everyone – can tell there’s _something_ going on.”

I immediately opened my mouth to defend myself, but he cut me off.

“Don’t even bother denying it, Kaidan. And anyway, nobody here cares. The whole crew stands behind Shepard, one hundred percent. We all care about her, so if she’s happy… we’re happy. It’s not like anyone’s going to report you for fraternizing. Anyway, that wasn’t even the point.”

“And what is the point?”

“The point is… you’re good for her. She always looks happier, more relaxed, when you’re around, or after your little midnight tea parties.”

I couldn’t help but laugh at that last part. 

“So, go. What are you waiting for?”

“Uh… I think I’ll wait for her to get out of the shower. I don’t think she’d appreciate it if I just barged on there, and I’m sure I wouldn’t like the most certain beating I would most certainly get from an enraged Shepard.”

He laughed as he shook his head, and we kept talking for a while, until he insisted the Commander was probably done. He sent me off with a “Later.”, he went back to his consoles and I went down the stairs to find Shepard.

The sight I encountered was… disheartening. Milla was sitting on the floor by her locker, looking so lost and small. Not even on the night she finally allowed herself to grieve Ash's death, had she looked so defeated. So utterly hopeless.

“Commander?” She clenched her jaw at the title and closed her eyes, and I mentally slapped myself. “Shepard.” Her eyes opened and turned to me. “Are you all right? I’m sure there’s a way to appeal. We’re under Alliance authority, after all. Not the Council.”

She rolled her eyes and scoffed. “Official channels are closed. They were quite clear about that.”

“Closed. And we’re supposed to accept that?”

She nodded, staring straight ahead.

“So, where do you think the best view will be when the Reapers roll through? If we have to sit it out, may as well get a good seat.”

The corners of her mouth quirked in a crooked smile, before taking a deep breath and slowly blowing it out. “We’re out of the game for now. I need you to be there while I figure things out.”

“You know you can count on me, or any of the crew, Commander.” I echoed Joker's earlier words.

“I’m asking you, not the crew.”

Her bluntness caught me off guard, and I rubbed the back of my neck awkwardly.

“Come on, Kaidan. I can get a salute from anyone on this ship. Sometimes I need a shoulder.”

“Yeah... I always leave a way out. You know that.”

She sighed. “I suppose I do.”

I crouched down to look her in the eye. It seemed wrong to look her down. “Listen, I’m here for you, Milla, but we’re in a rough spot. I mean, are we the pride of the fleet or not? Are we valued agents or just peons?”

She rolled her eyes and smirked. “You seriously can’t pull out a good, old fashioned 'it'll be alright', can you?”

“It’s that simple, huh? Okay. Everything will be fine. You'll figure something out.”

“There you go! That wasn’t so hard, was it?”

“Yeah, I guess I could get used to it. Maybe. Now get up off the floor, Commander.”

“Is that an order, Lieutenant?”

I fixed her with the most stern stare and tried to summon all the authority I could muster. “Yes, ma’am, it is. I never want to see you down there again.”

She grinned and took the hand I offered.

It happened in seconds, a tiny moment of clumsiness. Somehow she slipped and lost her balance and I instinctively moved to catch her. Her face was mere inches away from mine, her hands on my chest, and she swallowed as her eyes moved back and forth from my eyes to my mouth. A million thoughts raced through my mind. The last time we were this close had been the night of her breakdown, and before that, the night before Virmire. I could still remember her lips on mine, but with that memory came the gut wrenching guilt because of what happened the next day. We hadn’t really talked about what we were or if either one of us wanted to go through with this after Ash’s death, but now… holding her in my arms like this… I leaned in as she closed her eyes, her hands pressed against my che–

“Sorry to interrupt, Commander…”

I couldn’t help the growl that escaped me, my frustration matching her own, displayed clearly on her face. 

“I’ve got a message from Captain Anderson.”

“Were you spying on us, Joker?” She glared at the ceiling.

“No, ma'am.” He said, very nonchalantly. I _almost_ believed him. “I just knew you were on the ship, so I figured I’d pass the message along. The captain said to meet him down at Flux, that club down in the wards.”

Milla rolled her eyes, before taking a step back and fixing me with a resigned smile. “Duty calls.” She began to walk away, before turning back and fixing me with a wicked grin. “Alenko, are you coming?” 

I laughed. “Yes, ma’am.”

* * *

 

So, thanks to Anderson, we had a small window of time to _steal the ship_. Man, I don’t know how he did it, but thanks to him, we’ve got a chance to got to Ilos after Saren.

After we met him at Flux, Shepard sent out a message to all of the Normandy Crew, asking them to report back to the ship immediately. Once there, she explained the plan and gave them the chance to stand down and not take part in this whole thing. Not one person took it. 

We’d all follow her to hell and back.

And now here I was – pacing outside her cabin for the last ten minutes – trying to decide if I should go in or just let her be. It’s just… we could _die_ tomorrow, and if this was my last night alive… 

I raised my omnitool to her lock, requesting entrance.

The lock turned green. The doors swished open.

“Commander?”

Her cabin was dark. Once my eyes adjusted to the dim lighting, I saw her stand from her desk, long brown locks loose from the severe regulation bun, uncertainty written on her face.

“You probably shouldn’t call me that… I probably shouldn’t even be wearing this uniform.” She looked down and gestured to it, before running her hand through her hair.

“Yeah, hell of a thing. We broke our oath to defend the Alliance so we can keep it. What happens if this doesn’t work out, Shepard? We mutinied, stole a prototype warship – if they wanted to get technical, they can throw in kidnapping. We're a hell of an example of humanity's best and brightest, huh?”

She sighed, a long, almost weary sigh. “I keep reminding myself we’re doing the right thing. I don’t believe me yet, but…”

“Well if I didn't think you were doing the right thing, I wouldn't be here.” 

“Thanks.” She whispered, low enough I almost didn’t hear it.

My hand went to the back of my neck; nervous habit. “It'll really hit the fan when we get to Ilos. If things don't go well, I want you to know – Well, I've enjoyed serving under you.”

She raised an eyebrow, giving me a pointed look. “Kaidan, I don’t think I’ve had the pleasure of you serving under me. Don’t you think it’s time to rectify _that?”_

 _Ouch._ I laughed nervously, then berated myself for laughing nervously. “I walked right into that, didn’t I? We could get drummed out of the service for fraternization. Of course, we’ll probably get the firing squad for mutiny…” And now I’m rambling.

Milla reached forward, stroking my cheek with her hand. “Kaidan…” she whispered. “Stay with me.” She took a step forward, her face inches from mine. “Bunk here tonight, with me.”

Her hand was on my chest; I’m sure she could hear my heart beating a mile a minute. “Is that an order, Commander?”

She rolled her eyes. “No, a request.”

“Milla…” I wasn’t surprised by how husky my voice was. She pressed herself against me, eyes boring into mine. 

A part of me screamed for me to press my lips against hers, to take her in my arms, and touch her and kiss her and watch her come apart underneath me. It still amazed me that I’d somehow managed to get this incredible, smart, sexy woman to notice me, let alone want to be with me.

And yet... She was my CO. She isn’t just Milla to me; can’t be just Milla. She was my direct superior, and in charge of this vital mission. _Nothing_ could go wrong tomorrow. _Nothing_ could disrupt the mission, and by extension, the crew. I needed her to know that. Whatever happened here tonight, whatever we have, can’t affect our jobs outside this room. 

“This can’t change anything, Milla. The mission, the crew… This is a good crew. The finest I’ve served with. I don’t want to mess it up.”

“Kaidan… You make me feel… like I can take on the universe. And right now? I kind of have to. And I just… I just want…” Her eyes drifted down to my mouth, before returning quickly to mine. “Would you just… do me a favor.” Her voice lowered to a whisper. Her hands tangled and pulled on the chain of my dog tags.

“Forget about the crew, just for a second. Forget about the crew, forget about the mission, forget about Saren, the geth and Ilos. 

Forget about the Reapers.

Forget that I’m fucking Commander Shepard – your CO – and you’re Lieutenant Alenko, my head of marine detail, and just… be Kaidan. Just Kaidan and I’m just Camilla. 

Now, do you want this, Kaidan?”

 _I do_. 

“Do you?” she whispered, pulling the chain just a little harder.

“You know what, you're right… about everything.” I moved to cup her face in my hands, running my thumbs over her cheeks. “I think about losing you and I can't stand it. The galaxy will just keep going. Everything, even the Reapers will come around again. But you and I, we are important right now. This is what will never happen again. Us. Milla, you make me feel…human.”

  
She fisted her hands in my shirt and pulled me in, crushing her lips against mine. Her mouth was hot and demanding, mercilessly claiming mine. Our tongues warred with each other, and I cupped her neck with one hand to keep her close. Time seemed to stop and still as she kissed me senseless, pulling me under.

And I let her.

I let go and lost myself within her.

If this was my last night alive, I’d be damned if I didn’t spend it with the woman I loved.

* * *

I woke up a couple hours later, my hand reaching for her only to find the sheets cold and the bed empty. I rolled over on the bed and found her sitting on her desk, working frantically on her terminal. Her hair was wet and I was a little disappointed to see she was already dressed.

And then, she turned and gave me the most beautiful smile I’d ever seen. She looked so beautiful, she took my breath away, and I made myself memorize this moment.

“Hey.” She said, her voice husky as she rose from her seat and made her way to the bed.

“Hey.” I cupped the back of her neck and pulled her in for a kiss, before pressing my forehead against hers. “It’s been a long time since I met a woman who –“

Joker voice crackled over the comm. “Bridge to Commander Shepard. We’re five minutes out from the Mu Relay.”

We both sighed.

“I know.” She brought her lips to mine. “You’re a sweetheart, Kaidan.”

“I swear though, if anything happens to you…” I _don’t think I could survive it._ “Please be careful, Milla.”

“You too, Kaidan.”

We stayed like that, just holding each other, trying to find a last bit of calm before the storm.

“You should go. Joker’s waiting for you on the bridge.”

“I’m going, I’m going.” Reluctantly, Milla stood, wrapped her wet hair in it’s usual bun, and turned before reaching the door.

“Suit up quickly, Lieutenant. We’ve got a rogue Spectre to catch.” 

Just like that, we were back. I couldn’t help but chuckle.

“Aye, aye, ma’am.”  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we’re done with the ME1 timeline! Yay! I have to thank anyone who’s been reading so far, those who’ve commented or left kudos.   
> I have to admit this chapter took me a little longer to write, mostly because I planned to delve a little deeper into their “night before Ilos”, if you know what I mean *wink wink, nudge nudge*. 
> 
> But as it turns out, I suck at writing smut, especially from a guy’s point of view. It was seriously… really bad. So instead we get a more emotionally charged scene, and Kaidan NOT screaming “JOKER’S WAITING FOR YOU ON THE BRIDGE!” immediately after. I also switched Shep from sitting on her desk STARING AT HIM as he slept to her just working, because Shep’s a workaholic. I just find it really creepy, the whole staring at him while he sleeps thing, so I changed it.
> 
> I hoped you liked it and thanks for reading!


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